Missing Blogging

Know it's been forever.....really difficult to get some alone time when everyone is home!!
Gonna be back soon.....promise!! Can't wait to catch up.........

He's Here!

The day is the same.....one minute he's fine the next he's yelling at me. One minute he's hugging me and the next he's cold and isolated and of course I'm trying to figure it out!! As I'm typing this I am realizing that it is much easier to see what "he" is doing rather than what "I" need to do. (Although deep down I am wondering whether he is just placing blame so he can have an excuse to go drink.......I don't think I'll ever get over this!)

One topic he said today as he was yelling was that I'm very independent. That the house revolves around me and my decisions.....etc...etc. Well....of course I'm independent!! Of course our house is "me"! If course the kids know "my rules!"

That was not my choice!! His choice was not to be here!! His choice was to be in a bar...and when he was here he was disconnected. This new life of him starting to feel things is tough! I never even considered this. I guess now I need to make room for him....

As selfish as this sounds....I have been in a 20 year marriage with a ghost...now he came back to life and I need to clear out some drawers!!

Which way do I go??

This road sign explains my route around the house today.

Even though there's sobriety in the house doesn't mean there is sanity!! It is also my fault....I have fallen away from my end of the recovery process. I have gotten away from Al-anon and my recovery readings/literature/way of life! Alcohol is just the substance....the disease is here in "all"!

My husband was crazy today and he caught me off guard. I haven't seen this side of him in while. The blame/crazy/paranoia side. I have forgotten how to walk away both physically and in my head. I reacted!! I entered into something I would have handled completely different and more calmly if I had stayed in my program.

I am very similar to an alcoholic that relapses. You forget. You think that everything is ok and you can handle it now. You can't, I can't and I never could. He likes me sick. If I'm sick, his crazy actions/words work. I can see him proud as he walks away, confident that he still has it!! He still has me right where he wants me. Today was a wake up call....

September!!

August is gone.....Thank God!! I hate August!! (Don't tell my son, his birthday is in August!) Lazy days over, getting one in school locally and loading up my other for another year in college!! Etc., Etc., Etc.

I wasn't going to post until I had time....but can't resist a small note to tell everyone I'm still alive!!

I am envious of my dull boring life before May!! Drama hasn't stopped and If God has more planned for me......keep it coming!!! I'm ready!!!

Of those that have/haven't followed my blog:

May - I left my husband because of 20+ years of alcohol abuse, got back together because he decided to give sobriety a try...(Which he is still sober, thank you god!!)

June - My husband and I escaped to Vegas to have a romantic weekend and daughter decided to have a 3-day party.....ugh! Still fixing house damage

July - In the beginning -We left for Florida and got robbed!!
In the end - my daughter brought home a puppy and then left for college.....And I'm allergic to animals!!
(although I became extremely attached before giving him away 2 weeks later so I can breathe....breathing is good!)

August - My husband lost his job

September - so far.....September is good!! We are healthy, having more family dinners, and stronger than ever!! We are still a sober family!! I have alot to be grateful for.....and we have "new" TV's!!

Glad to be home......and pray for a bit of peace...please! Will follow-up soon...

Florida

Whenever I'm in a bad place or just need a little bit of serenity I look at these pictures. These are some of my favorite pictures that I took a couple of years ago from our balcony at our beach house. These are my feet! One is at sunrise and one at sundown. This is my place of peace even if its just a vision when I'm home in Arizona.

Alot is going on in Arizona. My daughter is there and even though we are requesting for her not to have friends over and to keep things off of facebook....we have been hearing rumors that it isn't stopping. Now we have to step in and be the "mean" parents!! For now, I am going to stay in Florida....physically, in my mind, and emotionally. I will have to deal with this soon enough...For now I need to stay here.

Florida.....I spend July here and it's the only time I can actually get tired of this place. During the year we come any time the kids have more that 3 days off of school (which is really only 4xyear). The max we can stay is around a week. July is our opportunity to let go and enjoy.....then really crave to go home. I am almost getting there now (although this situation is making me want to stay too!)

July is the only time I can read books on the beach/balcony (read 3 so far). Spend quality family time with no interuptions (My husband is working from here too...so it's really nice!**) Go to the beach and veg......ride bikes, eat ice cream, and most of all...."No schedule!" No Plans!!"***

**When my husband was drinking he came for about 10 days and then we stayed here alone the rest of July. I couldn't wait for him to leave. We spent most of our times in bars. I took those pictures when I was alone...so I could remember how peaceful I felt when the chaos wasn't there. When he went home he would drink so heavy.......(Stories are sad)

Now he isn't drinking. We are walking together, going to dinners, going for ice cream...he is fishing (one of his favorite things to do of all time). He is engaged in "Us" (not just us as me and him....us also as a family....w/o my daughter of course for now....she's causing fireworks in AZ)

I am not trying to brag about above.....It seems like a dream. No way would my husband ever go anywhere with us that he couldn't get a drink/beer. Disney wasn't even an option unless we left him at the hotel or go to Epcot. (They have beer in Epcot.)

(VENTING)
***One of the things I hate about Florida is that I'm from here. My family and friends are here, so everytime we come....they pressure us to drive to "them". Or do something with them. This may seem a bit selfish....but we are on "vacation!" If you want to see us...come to "us".....we are here to be on the "beach!" If you don't want to go to the beach...say "no thank you!" don't make me feel guilty and try and change our plans.....We don't want to make plans....We want to eat when we are hungry, go where we want, do what we want when we want to....That's the whole point of vacation!!!!

(TO BETTER MYSELF)
If there is one thing that would help me to better my self emotionally would be to be able to "not feel the guilt that others put on me". No one else in my house feels it or wants to hear me complain about it(because its "my" family and "my" friends). How can I realize that the guilt is their issues....How can I not let it hurt and ruin my day and make me so extremely angry!!!

When It Rains It Pours!!

It has taken me a bit to blog...so much has happened!!

First let me say that the moment passed of the alcoholics thoughts.....he still has not drank....

While we were away in Vegas my 19 year old daughter decided to have a party. She invited some friends that I have not heard the names before. I now understand that it was a 3 day party!! I also understand that the party was placed on facebook with a location. PERFECT!!

When we came home there was some damage. There was a fist hole in my son's door. The sliding glass doors were off the tracks. We have ruined tiles on the floor. Walls splattered with who knows what. Our door handle to our door completely broken, etc. etc.

My husband and I were upset about the party.....but she's never done something like this...I won't tell her this but I thought she was due!! I can't say how many parties I had when my parents went out of town. This isn't the worse part.....

Every July, I come back to Florida and stay on the beach....It's my serenity!! Tuesday at 3:00 p.m. we left. Wednesday morning we got a call.....we had been robbed. The sliding glass door was jarred open as well as the side garage door. They had taken all the tv's (7), all the computer monitors, and everything else of value.......

I wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago........I am going to post as is and continue with new blogs...I don't really want to live this again to add to it!!

See it in Front of Me - Lurking.....

I see the disease pushing it's way into the front of our lives again.....I see it lurking, dark and building strength like a water spout over the ocean...

He isn't reading, he isn't going to meetings, he isn't talking to me.......I am afraid

It's was going so well.....It is always that part that traps me. No one I know ever has the faith that he will stay sober. I always set myself up to fail. I need to be strong. I am better than this disease. This disease is NOT HIM! But I am married to both of them.......

He has not had a drink yet.....but I see it......I feel it......I hear it

Reading Past Blogs!!

Boy did I have a deep day yesterday!!

You can truly see your mindset/moodiness/surroundings/craziness/humbleness (if that's a word), repeativeness, etc.......when you read your past blogs!!!

My main goal for blogging as I say on my title is to record my progress and drawbacks....so it can help me "see" .....It is serving this purpose! Sometimes when I read them I do feel like "Sybil"!

I notice that I blog about things I read alot. I also make physical notes about them in my recovery books, and written journals, etc. They give me inspiration. They give me strong feelings that I don't want to just pass by. I write them because I do want to remember what they meant to me at the time and who knows...maybe they can help others too....
(Being the philosopher that I am!!! Really..... Codependent (with a capital "C", always wanting to help others!)

When I comment on blogs I relate to others what parts of what they said makes me feel included. Makes me warrant my feelings......It also feels like this when people comment on my blogs.....Thank you!

I do want to say how in awe I am on a daily basis reading peoples blogs and what a way they have with words and perception. My preconceived notion of alcoholic families was always what they were shown in movies.....bums...(except me of course!!) When I hear others in meetings and I read your words...I am envious!!! You are all brilliant!!

I know like the rest of you that have dealt with alcoholism for a very long time....we are also Patient, Loving, Kind, Creative.......and all the other words that mean GREAT!!

Praying and God.....

This morning I was reading the reading for today in ODAT...It was talking about Step Eleven: "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, ........." "If we are living by the Al-Anon counsel First Things First, prayer and meditation come before all else, since it is in this way that we receive guidance for our decisions." ........

As I was reading this my mind was saying "If I only had time!"
Well Al-Anon seems to tell me exactly what I need to hear because the Today's Reminder directly below said:

"Am I too busy to pray? Have I no time for meditation? Then let me ask myself whether I have been able to solve my problems without help. As I face them day by day. I want to acknowledge my need for His guidance. I will not let this day pass - nor any day from now on - without making myself consiously aware of God."

Well here goes.....I am setting myself a "Thursday's Resolution" and from "consciously" now on ...to set aside 10 min to "Pray" and "Listen"! Two of my most difficult things to do! How can I have direction if I don't take time to be grateful and to say it.....and to listen for a response or to just take a breathe!

I have always had a problem with "God"....A problem with "believing"...I hear others feel the same way when they share in meetings. I know someone is responsible for beauty when I look at our beautiful mountains and sunsets.....and when I go home to Florida, the beaches..... I think I am more spiritual than religious...

I read something in a recovery email recently that helped my perspective:

Not only then has each man his individual relation to God, but each man has his peculiar relation to God.
-- George MacDonald

Each of us sees and experiences God in a way somehow unique to us. No two people see things exactly alike. That's why our program has no dogma. Each of us is encouraged to follow a spiritual path that seems to have been created for us. And we need not worry if we're on the right one, because every path leads to God. Would God let us lose our way? Of course not. We will know if a course correction is needed, and God will lead us to it.

Each of us understands God in a way no one else does. There's a place in God's love for each of us. And out of that place we can bring light to other people, just as our own special people have brought their light to us.

I will cultivate my unique vision of God so that I may bring light to someone else.


This made me feel more accepting of whatever path I want or need to choose.....

Vegas!

Every year we put our son in camp (and daughter too when she was younger) then we would go somewhere for a few days.

I use to tell people we would go so we could talk and remember why we love each other! That was the illusion that I told......The truth was.....We would have fun talking and laughing until about noon...until the first beer was cracked or the first drink was ordered. Then most likely I would try to join him...and last about an hour, feel sick, then need to go to bed....sometimes he would come back to the room with me, but most of the time I was either to bored or to drunk that I would leave him at the bar.

The next day usually went with me giving him guilt trips about his behavior and the amount that he drank.....he would apologize and then not start again until about 3....then the roller coaster continued day after day. I always had an aprehension about traveling with him. We went to beautiful places, but trying to control his drinking (which of course didn't work) always put the focus on the alcohol rather than the surroundings.

This year on my birthday in April when I put my memory card into my computer to transfer our pictures from Hawaii....I realized that all the pictures that I took were either of just landscape or of me taking pictures of myself with the landscape in the background. He wasn't around for any of these. This made me really sad. This is what made me start saying "no" to traveling with him.

Last week my husband and I drove my son to camp. He asked me if I wanted to go to Vegas. We could drive. (We never drove anywhere because he was always drinking...he already had a dui and paid the consequences!) I asked him if he was sure, if he was ok with being in Vegas of all places trying to stay sober!! He said he was.......I told him that I was concerned that he was trying to hard to be normal. That he was placing to many pressure on himself. I didn't expect him to be everything....I just wanted him to be honest and sober.

Well of all places to be sober.....Vegas!! We had the best time!! The Best Time!! We went to shows....restaurants (and remembered), night clubs, etc.......and to top it off.....
We went to an AA meeting in Vegas and he got his 30-day chip!!
I want to scream this from the mountain tops!!

(I need to cut this here....I haven't blogged in forever......and this will run forever!! Just needed to get this part out!!)

Trust or Faith......

Is "trust" the same thing as "faith"?
I think "trusting" sometimes sets us up to fail. Trust has a difficult time living up to expectations. Trust is something that is broken in an alcoholic home frequently.
"Faith" may be a better way for me look at things, a better way to turn things over to a Higher Power. Faith is a type of "neutral". If I'm let down, I'm not destroyed, I just need to realize that it isn't my time to have this problem fixed just yet.

In the morning before anyone is up I have a cup of coffee outside and read: Al-Anon's ODAT, Courage to Change, Hope for Today......and Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go.....Sometimes I say a prayer...This helps me start my day.

Today's reading in Hope for today gave me some inspiration for my post....

Hope for Today:
........I've found that I can surrender my control and my will endlessly, but surrender is meaningless unless I follow through with action based on "faith". When I forget about the "faith" part, I take back my worries over and over again........
..................................................................

I have trust issues with my husband when it comes to alcohol or drunken binges. In the past couple of years, lying was a staple in his life. Especially when he was traveling.
Yesterday was his 23rd day of sobriety. He left yesterday morning to go to California for work. He told me he would call me when he got there and he didn't. Usually when I don't hear from him, he's already drunk.....(that's why he fly's first class!) I didn't want to call him because my motive was to check up on him. But of course, I waited until mid afternoon, but did call him. Everything was fine. He then called me around 10ish and he was with people from work (the same people he always got drunk with) and was still sober. He commented on how he hates being with "drunk" people and it can be exhausting! Really???? - Was my comment!!

He mentioned that his friend in California tried to sneak him a vodka, and his other friend was ribbing him about his AA stuff.....I told him that I thought his friends would try to sabatoge him.....he said he expected this....

This is where I need to have "faith". I need to give this over to God. Trust has never worked for me in this situation......I have no control over his sobriety. The only control I have is over my recovery and my strength and courage to know that
"I CANNOT LIVE WITH ALCOHOL IN MY LIFE ANYMORE!!"

I love this man I married. I could be married to him my entire life. The drunk is not my husband. The drunk is vial. I'm keeping my perspective as simple as I can: Don't Drink - Have us, Drink - Lose us!!

Never Alone

In Al-Anon a man said something that made an impact and made me feel good.......

He said, "I went to an empty church yesterday and sat in the pew. A woman came in and sat next to me. After a few minutes of silence, she leaned over and told me "Even though the church is empty......You are never alone!!"

I am reading the Paths of Recovery - Step Three - and going to answer the questions in the back of the chapter to go over with my sponsor on Friday. I only have two more sessions with her until we both leave for summer. She wanted to get me through the first three steps so over the summer I could work the Blueprint Step Four workbook. I feel a bit rushed but she said that I was the kind of person that can obsess and analize to much and this is the way she sees that I should do it. (BTW She is so right with the obsession/over analazing etc. etc.!)

Things that stood out while reading about Step Three;

*No one compels us to turn over our will. We choose to "try" because the way of life we created on self-will alone was neither satifying or serene

*I feel sometimes God is looking down on me, shaking his head, and thinking "When will she ever learn!"

*I know God gives me the priviledge of making my own decisions. Sometimes I do the wrong things and he let's me experience the consequences of my own mistakes.

*He is always with me and loves me unconditionally

*Step One gave me Honesty; Step Two gave me Hope; and Step Three gave me Faith..
........................................................................

I do believe in God....God is the one who provides us beauty, like sunsets, to love and appreciate....even when there is ugliness all around us.

Ho Hum!!

I am having one of those days that I'm just not happy. I'm not depressed either......I have alot to be grateful for......People around my house seem happy....

Maybe it's because it's an overcast day outside....maybe it's because I worked out pretty hard and I'm just tired.........Maybe it's because......

Going to Make it Work No Matter What!!

That was what was in my mind in my relationships when I was younger. Especially with the one who is now my husband!! I felt he was funny, made a good living, was cute......I could make him into something I could live with. Yes he drank, but back then in my late 20's (he in his 30's) that was what we did!! Yes he drank alot, but I could be good enough that he didn't need that.....I would be all that he needed me to be!! Then he would quit.......

This went on for about 15 years, I am a slow learner, and evidently so was he!! I wasted alot of my life thinking it was a matter of time before he would get "it"! (Whatever "it" was!)

"The Language of Letting Go" daily readings by Melody Beattie has been extremely helpful in my life. The readings really help me to see myself and my situations. Today's helped me write today's post. I am just going to write just a few pieces of it: (The text is mixed, it is written in the parts that apply to me)

June 7 - Into Orbit
It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T MATTER!!

I think I can change him.....Nobody's ever really given him a chance.....Nobody's ever really believed in him...Nobody's ever really appreciated him enough...Nobody's can do for him what I can.....
These are warning signs. Red lights. Red Flags. Stop Signs. If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someones life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we are in trouble. This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. It will be self-defeating.

We may be the "one" all right - the one to winds up victimized. This thought pattern is not being responsible for oneself. It's a set up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person.

This is a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.

God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships
..........................
My goal for myself is this prayer above......my feeling good enough that I don't need to look to other people for validation. I am there most of the days...especially these days......Which is a nice feeling.
Also, to be able to even recognize what I did in the past, to reflect on my wrongs and to get out of denial, is part of recovering.

Another Grateful Day!

I know I entered a blog before this one....but something happened to it....New to this blog thing...so maybe I edited wrong or who knows....on to today...

I really don't have alot to say except how grateful I am for these days....I feel like I am dating a new man but I don't have to go through the hassle of getting to know each other....I know and love him!! What a difference sobriety brings right at this moment.

Today is day 16 and it is beautiful.......God, thank you for today! I don't expect it (or maybe I do) to go on as nice as this but for today, I am grateful!!

I am also helping myself....I am working out, going to Al-Anon and have seen a counselor twice so far....I am also communicating my needs and feelings.

Daily Reading

I loved yesterday, memorial day. I didn't think I would yet I put aside my expectations and didn't play out the day in my head and just let things happen.

We went to my husbands best friends house to do a bar-b-que and hang out by the pool. Normally this situation is a family thing but it's also a drinking thing. Sometimes I drink....Sometimes to much....But it's a given that my husband will be really drunk always!

He did not drink and I loved watching him engaged in conversations (not drunken obnoxious banter), throwing footballs around with the kids and talking and laughing with me and every one else.

He is still not drinking, going to meetings, reading his Blue Book and calling his sponsor. As far as I know. I am not watching him or questioning him. I am trying very hard to stay out of his recovery.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting today after I went to pilates. Tuesday meetings is when we read ODAT, CTC & HFT......and talk about what applies in the daily reading. Early this morning I read CTC & HFT and little things applied but not really alot. When I was at the meeting someone read ODAT. It was about the alcoholic having a "slip" (lapse, relapse). The sentence that stood out to me was: "The bad moments will pass if I do not blow them up into tragedies.....Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.....etc....

When I heard this I felt fear. Usually these reading hit home at just the right time. I AM sure if my alcoholic lapses, relapses, I won't be able to stay in this relationship. We have AGREED that if he drinks, he will move out. Right now it is only a week.....his track record isn't good.......I want to have faith in him, I really do. Yet I am skeptical. (I feel guilty for this.) Our relationship is really great right now.....His involvement with our family is really great right now.

My husband just told me that he was going out to meet his friend for a bit. This is the friend that he is always drinking with. This is also the friend he has known 20 something years...... I am not really worked up like I would normally be presuming all the bad things to come....but I am a bit concerned. I hope the ODAT doesn't apply today. I am not ready for it.

God...I pray for his sobriety and I pray for the will to carry this need for sobriety out. I deserve to have a life like this. My family deserves to have a life like this.

Sponsor

My husband came home after a meeting and looked a bit strange. When we started talking he told me that he got caught up on a phone call and by the time he got off it was 1:10 and he missed the meeting. (I was let down inside. I thought here come the excuses!)He told me he really needed to go to the bathroom so he went in the meeting room. When he came out he saw a guy there and asked him about how to find a sponsor. The guy told him to "pull up a chair!" (A sponsor! Wow! What a great thing and what a relief!) (As I'm typing this....I should see how I was judging him!)

He mentioned that he really like the guy....He had been in the program for 11 years and he owned a bar! My husband really liked that. The sponsor gave him 5 things to do: Buy the book, read the book for 20 min, call the sponsor and help somebody else. (I know that is only 4...but I forgot the other one.) I didn't understand the "help somebody else" but the more I think about it...It means to go to a meeting and talk to someone there about what you went through.....Which gets you to a meeting!! (Which is what one of my fears is....will he go to the meetings everyday.)

I am not understanding right now what is happening but it's really nice. My husband is so intentive it's a bit scary....but I love it. He is asking me how I'm feeling, etc....WHAT? I am not sure if he has ever asked me this and not walked away when I was answering. He is actually human right now.....Thank you God!!

I am noticing something that isn't good about this whole deal. I am becoming content and not reading my books and going to my meetings.......I need to keep up my work!!

We are going to a AA speaker meeting tonight. I have been to one of these before, alone. I asked my husband earlier if he would go with me. I have always dreamed of going to this meeting with him and I never thought it would ever be possible or if he went he would be rolling his eyes and mentally kicking and screaming. But he is going willingly...like as if we talked about going to dinner. I hope this speaker is good.....I think his sponsor will be there. I am looking forward to meeting him.

Uneventful

Today was relatively uneventful.....and with as much as I've been through, that's really nice!!

Went to the counselor today and she was nice, also had some quirky comments to add that made sense to me in all of this. My story really took up the entire hour....we'll start the work next week....

No Fight Left

This morning there was a banging on the laundry room door at 6 a.m. I knew it was him and I wanted it to stop so I opened the door. I just took one look at him. I didn't have anything left in me to fight so I just walked away, went into my room, shut and locked the door and went back to bed.

Of course I couldn't sleep, but I just layed there to think of what I was going to do. The kids were sleeping and I needed to get my son up in an hour to go to school. I wanted to just not say anything and get him to school and then leave but I didn't think that was possible.

Around 6:30 he knocked on the door. He said he needed to talk to me. I told him I didn't want to talk anymore, I had done enough talking.....20 years of it. Back and forth we went....and I told him that we (the family) had enough of the alcohol and we just don't care anymore if he ever gets sober...Just leave us alone!

He said he needed help. He was going to die. He said he was going to quit but he didn't want me to leave, he needed my support. I was done with the support...I was done trying to "fix" him. I told him that he needed to do this on his own. I told him that if he was serious he needed to quit talking and "do" something. He needed a rehab center. He said he was afraid of taking that much time off of work and was there any other way.....(I know that's another excuse!) I told him there was an AA meeting at 12 and if he wanted to quit that was where to start.

I was getting ready for "my" 10:00 al-anon meeting when he asked if I would go to the AA meeting with him. I said I would. After my meeting I talked to my sponsor about all that had happened. She told me that when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting I was unconfortable and scared and had to do it alone. This is what he needs to do. She told me that I really shouldn't go with him. I would just be a crutch. I agreed and called him and told him he needed to go alone.

Last week I had asked my sponsor for a counselor's name. After the meeting she gave it to me and made me call for an appointment right there and then. It is on Thursday. I haven't been to a counselor in about 13 years. (I have had phone sessions with one about three years back for a couple of months, but I haven't actually gone to an office!)

It has taken me a couple of days to complete this blog, so today is Wednesday and my husband has gone to two AA meetings. I really feel he needs at least an outpatient program to make this any type of start, but I am not him. I noticed that I have been getting in to his program. I am starting to tell him how to do things and this is an unhealthy place to me. This is also a new place to be....I never thought it was possible (and this is day two...so I know it may not be long, but you have to start somewhere!) I really need to use the slogan "Stay in my own Square" now more than ever!!

Hurtful

Saturday, Sunday and Today were the longest days of mine in a long time.

My parents said they talked to him and asked him to make sure violence doesn't happen. He didn't come home Saturday night. I knew he was in Phoenix....so he must have stayed in a hotel.

Sunday morning my neighbor called me telling me my husband was there and drunk. I immediately packed myself a bag. The kids were sleeping. I was going to get out before he came home. I didn't want to see him. I left.

My daughter told me that he came in, woke her up to give her a pair of channel sunglasses. (She knows this is a loaded present.) He then proceeded to pour himself a vodka and left with a random guy that he had taken to Las Vegas with him.

I made spaghetti sauce for me and the kids because that's what I always do on Sundays. Around 4 p.m. he walked in really drunk and asked if he could have some spaghetti as if nothing happened. I started walking out and was going to leave again. He followed me and screamed at me that this was his house and he wasn't going anywhere and I didn't realize how things worked. He then kicked my car door as I was pulling out. He left again. I thought he was leaving back to another hotel. I was wrong. My husband came back to my neighbors house and passed out on their sofa. I knew I needed to leave because he was going to wake up and come home and nothing was going to be nice. They didn't believe me. They said that I should stay home. I left with my son on my way to a hotel when my friend called me and told me to go there......

About an hour later I received numerous verbal phone calls from my husband. I didn't answer them. One of the messages he left me was telling me he threw my makeup in the pool. I called my daughter who was home to ask what was happening and she told me she was swimming tryimg to get my stuff out of the pool. She said she yelled at him and told him he wasn't just hurting me, he was hurting the family. Then she left and came to where I was.

This morning I took my son to school and went to an Al-Anon meeting then went to an AA open meeting. He left me alot of messages for me to call him. I could tell he felt bad but I didn't have anything to say. That is my problem. I Listen to his bullshit and believe the empty promises, then we get back together and it keeps going and going......on the rocky roller coaster!!

My stepdaughter called me and told me he was real apologetic and sorry and he would sleep at his friends house until I calmed down and then talk to me. She said he was totally sober. I knew differently. A 6 day binge is going to be at least a couple of days to get out of. She told me he wasn't home, he was out to lunch with his friend. I went home but cautiously. I packed another bag and put it close to the door just in case.

His driver rang the bell around 5 and told me my husband was in his car sleeping. He asked me what to do with him. I told him to drop him off at his friends house as agreed. They left, but when I called to verify 20 min later I found out they were 5 min away from coming back. I grabbed my bags and left and pulled out when they were pulling in. I saw my friend walking and told her to come in the car so we could talk. We went into the stores parking lot and discussed this ordeal.

She is friends with both of us, yet she said we deserved to be in the house so the kids can have as much of a regular life that they can right now. I decided to go home and ask him to leave.

Before I got to the house my daughter came home and saw her dad drunk and yelled at him telling him he wasn't right by being there drunk and he should leave and do what he agreed to do. His friend, and believe it or not, the driver, told her it was his house and he doesn't have to go anywhere. She told me later that night that she wasn't on anyones side and was trying to be neutral, but can't because he's just getting drunker and drunker.

When I came home he saw me and just said he's leaving. I didn't even have to say anything. I knew he meant it. I left to give him a bit of time and took the kids to dinner. My neighbor told me he left with his suitcase and started walking down the street with a few tears in his eyes. I feel really bad and this is extremely hurtful, but I don't have any other choice. Nothing is changing so I have to. This really hurts....all of it!! I want "him" here.....not the "addict!"

We are home now and I don't know where he is. My son is asking for him which really hurts. I'm hoping he doesn't come back right now. When I went to put on my pajamas on the bathroom mirror in toothpaste was the word "Cunt". This just reassures that I'm doing the right thing.

I searched online for the keywords divorce and alcoholic and this is what came up. This is eye-opening. It was like I was writing it. It's even signed by Phoenix. The reply is an even better.

http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2006/02/08/alcoholic_ex/index.html?source=salon.rss

Scared.....

I called American Express today and reported my husbands credit card lost. I knew it was not going to be pretty once I did this. I did this because I knew what the next step was going to be.
I talked to my son yesterday and told him that I wasn't happy. He said why? Dad has been good lately....I said that I understood that and that what was making things harder for me....but it isn't real. He has been drinking non-stop since Tuesday and now in Las Vegas...etc...etc..
I discussed what was going on with my daughter. She seems ok with it. She knows whats been happening for a long time. She said she doesn't see him much anyways so its not really changing. She knows that I have been unhappy for a long time.
I called my husband at lunch today (not knowing where he was....but sounded loud). I told him that I was sorry but I was done with our marriage. He was really mad about the credit card. I asked him if we could do this nicely....(I know that isn't going to happen, but it made me feel better saying it.) He said he's glad and that he was done with me also. This may be the case, but I'm not sure. I don't care anymore. He started calling me names and I hung up the phone. He called alot more times but I let my voicemail pick it up. I didn't want to hear it.....it's to hurtful.
He said he was on his way home and that I can't kick him out of his own house. I am not sure what to do at this point. I guess he is flying home.....?????? I am walking on eggshells expecting him to come home and rage. I am a bit scared. He struck me 12 years ago and I called the police and he went to jail. I don't think he will hit me but truthfully, I'm not sure. I do know there will be verbal abuse. Most likely breaking things.
I have a houseful of kids here and only my daughter knows whats going on. She knows that if he comes in the house and starts anything she is to get the boys out. Hopefully she will listen to me once!!
I am in limbo.....just waiting.....scared but strong. This is not an empty threat. I need to do this for myself. I am dying with this situation....This disease.
I was planning on going to an open AA meeting tonight because there is a guest speaker usually on saturday nights, but it all depends what is happening here at home.
Please god watch over me and direct me in the right direction. I know I have to hurt to grow. Can we get this part over with as soon as possible please!!!???

Inspirational

I found this on someone blog. I am not sure who wrote it or where it came from but I really liked it....It made me peaceful


The good you find in others, is in you too.
The faults you find in others are your faults as well.
After all, to recognize something you must know it.

The possibilities you see in others, are possible for you as well.
The beauty you see around you is your beauty.
The world around you is a reflection, a mirror showing you the person you are.

To change your world, you must change yourself.
To blame and complain will only make matters worse.
Whatever you care about, is your responsibility.
What you see in others shows you yourself.

See the best in others, and you will be your best.
Give to others, and you give to yourself.
Appreciate beauty, and you will be beautiful.
Admire creativity, and you will be creative.

Love, and you will be loved.
Seek to understand, and you will be understood.
Listen, and your voice will be heard.
Teach, and you will learn.

One Word

Vegas!!

This is where the worse of the binges takes us.......

My daughter was watching the video's of when she was a baby with her friend yesterday. (She is now 19!) The video was her first Christmas in our house opening her presents with myself and her dad. She was so cute and little....A few minutes passes and I looked at myself in this video and I looked so happy. I realized that I felt just as helpless then as I do now with alcohol. Nothing has changed. I didn't know Al-Anon then as I do now but 18 years have past and I'm still in this same hole!!

I guess I'm feeling pretty down. My son is sick, I'm feeling like I'm getting sick and our A/C is leaking.....and of course my husband is in Vegas...getting wasted, gambling, and who else knows or cares!! God, can you take this away?

Need I Say More!

Just like the title says.....Need I say more? I talked to him this morning and he was still drunk. I haven't heard from him since........

Will He or Won’t He

I have mixed emotions about what I’m feeling right now.  I feel complacent yet I have a bit of fear in me.  With Alcohol only hitting us once a week (his plan to drink one day a week) it has shown me that our loving relationship wasn’t just a figment of my imagination. 

The first day’s or a week of this so called diet, cleaning out his system, I was walking on eggshells, waiting for the returning earthquakes.   He had his Saturday night drinking.  I really tried to ignore him.  (I didn’t think he would stay on this program.  I expected he would start back and continue drinking…..but he didn’t.) Sunday he went back to his “no drinking” right through the week until Friday.  I hated Friday.  Even though he was nice with my stepdaughter being there….he drank extremely heavy and was completely disassociated.  (FYI – I do know that this is not considered sobriety….dry drunk, etc….and yes, he still had mannerisms of the alcoholic!)

The following week he did his “diet” again and then drank on Friday …..and of course, we fought.  It was something so stupid and inconsiderate but he took it where it didn’t need to go and issued alot of unwarranted blame and insults along with his drunken arrogant attitude that is coming from the addict, not my husband…..

During his “no drinking” days things were really nice.  He talked to me more.  He talked to “our family” more.  He involved himself in our lives.  He took his work phone off the hook on his own and invited us all to watch movies together.  He worked out.  He didn’t look like he was dying right in front of me!!  He grabbed my arm in a loving way while we were watching tv and held me if only for a second.  I loved “us”.

Today he flew to Southern California for business.  I am concerned.  This is where the fear comes in.  When he goes away he drinks to oblivion.  (I think that is why he doesn’t travel as much anymore because he is afraid of himself….)  His track record is huge binges.  He say’s he’s going for a day or two……I don’t see him or hear from him for about a week.  When he finally surfaces I can’t bear to see him and the state he has put himself in.  I crushes me.  I can’t even stand smelling him.  Vodka is not odorless…….

Maybe this is God’s way of just showing me a glimpse of what I had.  A wake up call.  Showing me what I’m entitled to.  Love. 

I really want to call him.  To hear him.  But I have asked myself this three times already….”What is my motive?”  Reality?  My motive is to see if he is drunk.  Verify my fear.  That is why May 10th on ODAT was so important for me to read….to prepare me for today.  As hard as it is….I am, at this moment, turning it over to you God….Please show me the way…..Thanks

ODAT hitting home!

Today, May 10th, in ODAT hits home. I am writing what applies to me, so I can try to work on this!!

It reads:
There are kinds of involvement that can only make our difficulties worse. We make trouble for ourselves when we interfere with the alcoholic activities, trying to find out where he is, what he's been doing, where the money went. Suspicion, searching and prying will only keep us in a state of turmoil, and make the situation worse, instead of improving it.

Today's reminder: What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part. This is a basic spiritual truth, implicit in our slogan, Let go and Let God! When action is really required, as when a crisis happens, we will then be better prepared to meet the emergency.

Reading: "He that is in perfect peace suspects no one, but he that is discontented and disturbed is tossed about with various suspicions; he is neither quiet himself nor does he allow others to be quiet: (Thomas A'Kempis)

I am famous for hunting down my husband. They call me "radar". I am looking back at my proudness I felt about having the ability to do this!! I use to think, "Hah!" you can't hide from me!

Now, I am looking back and realizing the turmoil and despair I felt while I was doing this. My stomach use to turn and I was in a crazy spinning mode. Nothing was going to stop this crazy behavior until I got what I wanted.....To know where he was and what he was doing and who he was with!! (Even though I already knew this truth!!) Then what.....

No matter what I said, what I did, I couldn't get him to stop drinking or come home. If he did decide to come home, I really didn't want him home the way he was!! How was this a "win" situation.....It wasn't. My obsession made me as guilty as he was......and the letdown I felt in the end wasn't what I was after!! I am also truly insane. To this day....I am still doing the same thing all the time always expecting different results!! GEEZ!!!

I need to "Let go and Let God" and not just write it....DO IT!! I want this "perfect peace to suspect no one" but I need to stop trying to rationalize irrational behavior...and Do the work!! Even if the work is "Doing Nothing!"

This reading was really what I need to read and write about!!
BTW - Happy Mothers Day!! So far its been really nice!

Thinking Clearly????

I read or heard somewhere that "When there isn't Chaos, that's when you see clear enough to do your best recovery work and that's when you have the most growth! - (Something like that....)
That makes perfect sense to me yet I also have problems with it.

When chaos occurs "in my face, right here and at the moment" I can't see anything. I just feel it. I feel hurt, angry, tired, outraged, protective of others seeing this/feeling this also, and extremely abandoned, etc.

When the chaos is still happening, (he is not home....he is out drinking and will be home, or out of town...drinking) I read, study, passionately feel and write down.....and work on my recovery. I know exactly what I feel, I know exactly what to say about what I'm feeling.....I write so fast on what applies and what I need to work on that I can't seem to get it down fast enough.

This moment, this time of my life....today..It's peaceful. I am unsure what to write. I am unsure what I'm feeling. I am not reading, I am not doing any recovery work. I am just sitting here trying to reflect and blog it. So is this my growth? Is this my best work?

(FYI - for myself on events. Went to get my daughters stuff yesterday out of her dorm. My husband asked to go. This is very unusual for him to participate in our lives especially in manual labor. I usually don't even ask. He hasn't been drinking all week until we arrived in her town and took her to lunch. He said this was his drinking day for the week. (I started planning the future (survival) on the outcome of how I would do it alone...again.... because he would be drunk, but he only had two beers at lunch......(Of course I felt better to remind him at lunch what we had to do (Fool!) so he wouldn't order more (like that would have stopped him!! (Please see this is exactly where you need to work on yourself!!) Long story short....We moved the stuff we needed to move, we started to drive home but needed to stop to get him beer for the ride home....he continued to drink.....we went out to dinner....he called me names, we fought, he passed out....blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. etc......
Today he is eating right again and he is not drinking....and I am wondering how long this is going to last....Pitiful!!
One more thing. His daughter said she had the best time while she was here. He only drank one night and he was the caring and loving man I know while sober!!! This is probably the second time (I can't remember the first, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt) she ever said she loved being here with him......I truly loved hearing that......

The One Day a Week Binge!!

Well now I realized why he was grumpy....he was fasting! I don't think I have ever seen him fast a day in his life. ( I am sure his daughter coming was part of it also because he was really curt with me and jumpy!)

Last night he drank. He is trying to only drink one day a week. Don't worry I can see through this. My sponsor say's even though he is not drinking alcohol, he is still acting like he is...which is true...without the weaving and passing out. He mentioned before we went out that he was not going to get "out of control" and just have a few drinks.......I wonder, does he consider 33 vodkas until he is incoherent a "few drinks"?

Last night and every night that he is drunk....I say to myself, WHY are you living like this? You can't live like this!!! I hate living like this!! Today, even though he's back to relatively ignoring me, he didn't drink. (I didn't think this would happen. He also needed credit later when he asked me "how about me, I didn't drink!" - Why are we always talking about him and he is always needing reassurance about him!! Is he really this insecure?? I truly need someone to take the wool of my eyes.....I can't trust my own judgement on anthing!! Why can't I see this for what it truly is......serious irrational behavior!!

Last week in Al-Anon I was told that when I stop talking about him and start talking and working on me...my recovery really begins. I really want that to happen. I started this blog to show me what is happening, so I quit forgetting!! Quit diminishing!! Face reality!! I can work on myself in the meetings......

Things are going ok with my stepdaughter....although my daughter is acting like a true bitch and throwing imaginary knives at me. Thank god for Al-Anon or I would feel every one of them.....Instead I'm learning how to duck and run for cover!!

My stepdaughter asked me about a month ago about Al-Anon and she was considering going to a meeting. (I am not sure if she needs Al-Anon or AA, but this is not for me to decide....stay in my own square, etc.) I don't think she ever went....I was considering asking her if she would like to go to my Monday meeting with me, but she also has a friend here, along with throwing a negative critisism at me saying "your acting al Al-Anony". I'm a bit guarded about taking this any further for my own well being.....I really don't need anymore stones thrown in my direction!! I truly believe this program has been a life-saver for me and that's all I'm truly concerned with. I am entitled to be happy, and for now, this is it!

I read something today in this book that I feel is amazing called "Moments of Clarity" by Christopher Kennedy Lawford, well really I read two things that made sense to me. 1. If your not carrying a burden, would you know the relief of putting it down? 2. We all get clean and sober eventually, but it's best to do it while we are alive! (I hope my husband get's clean and sober while he's alive, I am just not sure I can be there when he does....I am not sure I can or want to go through anymore!

2 hours and counting

I have heard "insanity" explained as - doing the same thing expecting different results. I do this on a regular basis. I am insane when it comes to the disease of alcoholism.
I came home from a meeting and meeting my sponsor not expecting anything but the loving husband I have had for the past two days. I am not getting that. I am not sure what is wrong but he isn't eating. I hope he is just grumpy because he is dieting and not drinking. I hope this isn't the hurricane/tornado I have been expecting.....(when he sees his daughter.) (This is where I thought of the word "insane"! I am expecting different results when she comes to visit this time.......
In my meeting today the topic was Tradition 4. I really wasn't excited about this discussion at all until I heard a couples of members say that we could show autotomy to members of our family. We could use "principles above personalities with them!" That is going to help me hopefully this weekend to remember that they have the right to be themselves and I have a right to be myself, yet I can work the principles of the program. (I am a little rushed right now, so I am not sure if I'm explaining this right....I need to read it again when I have a minute.)
I am stressing a bit about my son's friend. His dad just got back from Mexico City last week and my son has been playing with his son all week. I just found out he is now sick. His mother doesn't believe in doctors......I know stressing won't help anything, so maybe if I write this to myself I can voice it and then discard it........
I pick up my stepdaughter in two hours.....Here we go

Sense of Peace

This peacefulness I feel right now is bliss. My husband is still sober and talking and laughing with us. He is coming out of the ignoring stage and coming into the person I know and have always loved. I watch as he and my son laugh together. I see "him" not the "other him" (the one I loathe!)

I wasn't going to write tonight but I felt I had to for my recovery. I have to remember this feeling because I'm not sure how long it will last. My stepdaughter is coming tomorrow night and I most likely won't be able to post. I can't wait to see her yet I am always a bit fearful for a few reasons. One - I can tell my husband has some real embedded hurt inside him because every time she comes (which isn't often) he drinks heavy and acts invinsible. Two- when he acts bad I feel like I need to defend him.....because before she came he was completely different and I'm not sure what happened. Three - The older she gets the worse I see/hear her drinking gets. She can also play the blame game, etc. like her father and fling those sideways swords in my direction.

Of course I am always hopeful that he will stay sober and himself.....but my sponsor tells me that I am always predicting the future because it helps me stay in the survival mode, so at this time, I am going to try to stay in the moment. Will report back when I can.......

Uncertainess

I am not quite sure what to do with the peace...when he is home and sober. On one hand I am extremely grateful. On the other I am just waiting for the chaos.
I call when I am done working out/going to meetings and I "expect" him to answer the phone. If he doesn't, I go on some "disturbed" "don't care voice" "frenzied" manhunt.
Where is he? Who is he with? Is he already drunk? Etc. Etc....I want to know. I don't know what I'll do with this knowledge.....I just want to know. I have already accused him even before I know anything!! I don't say this on the phone when I reach him.....I am so perfectly nice!! Playing mind games....searching for information!! Pretending that I am fine with everything......LIAR!!


He still only drank on Saturday....(which I do understand completely) it is "still drinking!!" I just really want him to get it!! (Then what!)

A couple of people shared today at the meeting and said that when their alcoholic went out of town they were peaceful with themselves and the situation. They did not feel insecure that their spouses would relapse and drink. I would love to be in this place, yet....I am quite honest to say that I have lived in this situation so long I don't think I will ever be there. It sounds great and I should really strive for that goal.

Another person said that they had been with their alcoholic a very long time and when they left them they wondered what took them so long. I feel this almost everyday. Only today in my meeting did I think about this and come to a light bulb moment......I could have left my alcoholic....but my sickness is my own!! I am sure that even if I left him....the ones that would come after him would have definitely been alcoholics ....no question!!

Wake up!!

The only good thing about me seeing his drinking is the despair I feel to keep me in meetings!! When things are good......I don't do the work!! I need to wake up!!
My feelings are the highest high's and lowest low's. I haven't been to a meeting since Tuesday and I can feel it.
I need to read and study my Al-Anon books to help me find peace but I have lost my house to his work. I need to adjust and find other avenues that I'm comfortable with or just say WTF and break them out at home.......

Help yourself!!

Poof! Out the window!!

There goes my hope. The one I always hope for when he's not drinking. The one where I think one day he will get it. He will realize his drinking is destroying his life and ours. He has a few days of sobriety and then I come in the house and see a beer/drink in his hand and Poof! My hope out the window!

I wonder, will I ever be at that place where watching him drink does not turn my stomach. Will I ever be healed enough that I just don't care anymore and it's not in me to hate him, loathe him/the drinking/alcohol period!!

I really don't think so, but I do know a few things I can do. I can go to meetings, I can do my homework (my sponsor has me answering questions about step one), I can ask God for some help. If anyone out there has any other suggestions for me to help "me" I would love some wisdom.

Strange Day

I had a very strange day today. Alot of self-pity. Alot of quiet. Alot of in my head......

I did alot of searching for blogs and I did alot blog reading today and I really liked it. I didn't know this existed or I would have been on a long time ago....but as we learn in Al-Anon....this is right where I need to be.

There isn't any chaos in my house right now and it's freaking me out!! I am walking around on eggshells just waiting for something to happen......Why am I doing this? Why am I just not enjoying where I am right now? Because this is what makes me stop recovering. This is when I make up an illusion that everything is okay. BUT IT'S NOT OKAY!!

My husband is on one of his "diets" and isn't drinking. He is asking my opinion on everything and when he's sober I actually fall for all of his questions and opinions, etc. even though he walks away before I give an answer. (Thank God!)

It's easy to walk away when he's drunk. It's easier to feel superior. I need an Al-anon meeting. I need a smack in the head telling me to "wake up!!"

I conquered something the other day that I am proud of. I admitted to my husband that I was going back to Al-Anon. I have been hiding it ever since I started going back out of fear that he would freak out and leave. (I felt I had to get strong enough that I didn't care if that happened.) He was wondering where I was going knowing that I wasn't working out 3 to 4 hours a day and always came back singing and extremely happy. (I think he thought I had a boyfriend) (My sickness in all honesty is that I was also getting a payoff by making him wonder....He was actually wondering about me. I was finally getting attention!!) He put me on the spot a bit firmer and I told him I was going back. His response was "I have always supported you in that"...and that was it!! What!! How can that be it!! How could I have made so much of something in my head and been so fearful when that was his response.....See!! I am sick......

I will see my sponsor on Monday's meeting and I really can't wait to tell her this. She told me that I wasn't recovering if I was lying. If I didn't fear of abuse (I did fear of the verbal abuse) I should not lie and speak the truth not only to him but to myself. It made sense.

I need to look for a meeting for tomorrow. Friday isn't my normal meeting time but just writing this I can see I need to help myself.......

First Blog

I am really looking forward to this!! This will help me feel, yell, share, love!! This will help me measure my progress, which I am hopeful will be the beginning of my new life for myself. I understand that "my life" is what I make of it........
I am done with blame. I am ready.

Just a one time bit of information about me.
I have been married for 20 years. I really don't know what to say about that right now. I am a bit resentful about that. Not only with him, but mainly with myself. I have been a codependent to an alcoholic for a very long time. He has been/is a workaholic for even longer which makes him not be able to share any part of himself with me that I have been forever longing for. I am waving the white flag!!

Kids - I have two. One that I just lost to college....a girl, true drama queen. Her and I are so much alike it's scary!! (She is so codependent that my codependent ways want to fix her!! UGH!) and another....boy.....who is just reaching his preteen ways with girls and zits!! I am in that love him bunches/hate him stage!! BTW - love my kids and I can honestly say to myself that I am/have been the best mother I can be, they just drive me crazy sometimes.

I have been going back to Al-Anon for myself for about a month which has been making me stronger and happier. It is also giving me a new frame of mind. I am trying to keep the concentration on "Me". This is very hard to do when you have been involved with the alcoholic for a long time. This blog is to help me get from "My" addiction!!

This blog is also to talk to "anyone" to just be able to talk.........to find my voice again!! I have let life shut me down!!