The One Day a Week Binge!!

Well now I realized why he was grumpy....he was fasting! I don't think I have ever seen him fast a day in his life. ( I am sure his daughter coming was part of it also because he was really curt with me and jumpy!)

Last night he drank. He is trying to only drink one day a week. Don't worry I can see through this. My sponsor say's even though he is not drinking alcohol, he is still acting like he is...which is true...without the weaving and passing out. He mentioned before we went out that he was not going to get "out of control" and just have a few drinks.......I wonder, does he consider 33 vodkas until he is incoherent a "few drinks"?

Last night and every night that he is drunk....I say to myself, WHY are you living like this? You can't live like this!!! I hate living like this!! Today, even though he's back to relatively ignoring me, he didn't drink. (I didn't think this would happen. He also needed credit later when he asked me "how about me, I didn't drink!" - Why are we always talking about him and he is always needing reassurance about him!! Is he really this insecure?? I truly need someone to take the wool of my eyes.....I can't trust my own judgement on anthing!! Why can't I see this for what it truly is......serious irrational behavior!!

Last week in Al-Anon I was told that when I stop talking about him and start talking and working on me...my recovery really begins. I really want that to happen. I started this blog to show me what is happening, so I quit forgetting!! Quit diminishing!! Face reality!! I can work on myself in the meetings......

Things are going ok with my stepdaughter....although my daughter is acting like a true bitch and throwing imaginary knives at me. Thank god for Al-Anon or I would feel every one of them.....Instead I'm learning how to duck and run for cover!!

My stepdaughter asked me about a month ago about Al-Anon and she was considering going to a meeting. (I am not sure if she needs Al-Anon or AA, but this is not for me to decide....stay in my own square, etc.) I don't think she ever went....I was considering asking her if she would like to go to my Monday meeting with me, but she also has a friend here, along with throwing a negative critisism at me saying "your acting al Al-Anony". I'm a bit guarded about taking this any further for my own well being.....I really don't need anymore stones thrown in my direction!! I truly believe this program has been a life-saver for me and that's all I'm truly concerned with. I am entitled to be happy, and for now, this is it!

I read something today in this book that I feel is amazing called "Moments of Clarity" by Christopher Kennedy Lawford, well really I read two things that made sense to me. 1. If your not carrying a burden, would you know the relief of putting it down? 2. We all get clean and sober eventually, but it's best to do it while we are alive! (I hope my husband get's clean and sober while he's alive, I am just not sure I can be there when he does....I am not sure I can or want to go through anymore!