No Fight Left

This morning there was a banging on the laundry room door at 6 a.m. I knew it was him and I wanted it to stop so I opened the door. I just took one look at him. I didn't have anything left in me to fight so I just walked away, went into my room, shut and locked the door and went back to bed.

Of course I couldn't sleep, but I just layed there to think of what I was going to do. The kids were sleeping and I needed to get my son up in an hour to go to school. I wanted to just not say anything and get him to school and then leave but I didn't think that was possible.

Around 6:30 he knocked on the door. He said he needed to talk to me. I told him I didn't want to talk anymore, I had done enough talking.....20 years of it. Back and forth we went....and I told him that we (the family) had enough of the alcohol and we just don't care anymore if he ever gets sober...Just leave us alone!

He said he needed help. He was going to die. He said he was going to quit but he didn't want me to leave, he needed my support. I was done with the support...I was done trying to "fix" him. I told him that he needed to do this on his own. I told him that if he was serious he needed to quit talking and "do" something. He needed a rehab center. He said he was afraid of taking that much time off of work and was there any other way.....(I know that's another excuse!) I told him there was an AA meeting at 12 and if he wanted to quit that was where to start.

I was getting ready for "my" 10:00 al-anon meeting when he asked if I would go to the AA meeting with him. I said I would. After my meeting I talked to my sponsor about all that had happened. She told me that when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting I was unconfortable and scared and had to do it alone. This is what he needs to do. She told me that I really shouldn't go with him. I would just be a crutch. I agreed and called him and told him he needed to go alone.

Last week I had asked my sponsor for a counselor's name. After the meeting she gave it to me and made me call for an appointment right there and then. It is on Thursday. I haven't been to a counselor in about 13 years. (I have had phone sessions with one about three years back for a couple of months, but I haven't actually gone to an office!)

It has taken me a couple of days to complete this blog, so today is Wednesday and my husband has gone to two AA meetings. I really feel he needs at least an outpatient program to make this any type of start, but I am not him. I noticed that I have been getting in to his program. I am starting to tell him how to do things and this is an unhealthy place to me. This is also a new place to be....I never thought it was possible (and this is day two...so I know it may not be long, but you have to start somewhere!) I really need to use the slogan "Stay in my own Square" now more than ever!!