He's Here!

The day is the same.....one minute he's fine the next he's yelling at me. One minute he's hugging me and the next he's cold and isolated and of course I'm trying to figure it out!! As I'm typing this I am realizing that it is much easier to see what "he" is doing rather than what "I" need to do. (Although deep down I am wondering whether he is just placing blame so he can have an excuse to go drink.......I don't think I'll ever get over this!)

One topic he said today as he was yelling was that I'm very independent. That the house revolves around me and my decisions.....etc...etc. Well....of course I'm independent!! Of course our house is "me"! If course the kids know "my rules!"

That was not my choice!! His choice was not to be here!! His choice was to be in a bar...and when he was here he was disconnected. This new life of him starting to feel things is tough! I never even considered this. I guess now I need to make room for him....

As selfish as this sounds....I have been in a 20 year marriage with a ghost...now he came back to life and I need to clear out some drawers!!

Which way do I go??

This road sign explains my route around the house today.

Even though there's sobriety in the house doesn't mean there is sanity!! It is also my fault....I have fallen away from my end of the recovery process. I have gotten away from Al-anon and my recovery readings/literature/way of life! Alcohol is just the substance....the disease is here in "all"!

My husband was crazy today and he caught me off guard. I haven't seen this side of him in while. The blame/crazy/paranoia side. I have forgotten how to walk away both physically and in my head. I reacted!! I entered into something I would have handled completely different and more calmly if I had stayed in my program.

I am very similar to an alcoholic that relapses. You forget. You think that everything is ok and you can handle it now. You can't, I can't and I never could. He likes me sick. If I'm sick, his crazy actions/words work. I can see him proud as he walks away, confident that he still has it!! He still has me right where he wants me. Today was a wake up call....

September!!

August is gone.....Thank God!! I hate August!! (Don't tell my son, his birthday is in August!) Lazy days over, getting one in school locally and loading up my other for another year in college!! Etc., Etc., Etc.

I wasn't going to post until I had time....but can't resist a small note to tell everyone I'm still alive!!

I am envious of my dull boring life before May!! Drama hasn't stopped and If God has more planned for me......keep it coming!!! I'm ready!!!

Of those that have/haven't followed my blog:

May - I left my husband because of 20+ years of alcohol abuse, got back together because he decided to give sobriety a try...(Which he is still sober, thank you god!!)

June - My husband and I escaped to Vegas to have a romantic weekend and daughter decided to have a 3-day party.....ugh! Still fixing house damage

July - In the beginning -We left for Florida and got robbed!!
In the end - my daughter brought home a puppy and then left for college.....And I'm allergic to animals!!
(although I became extremely attached before giving him away 2 weeks later so I can breathe....breathing is good!)

August - My husband lost his job

September - so far.....September is good!! We are healthy, having more family dinners, and stronger than ever!! We are still a sober family!! I have alot to be grateful for.....and we have "new" TV's!!

Glad to be home......and pray for a bit of peace...please! Will follow-up soon...