Daily Reading

I loved yesterday, memorial day. I didn't think I would yet I put aside my expectations and didn't play out the day in my head and just let things happen.

We went to my husbands best friends house to do a bar-b-que and hang out by the pool. Normally this situation is a family thing but it's also a drinking thing. Sometimes I drink....Sometimes to much....But it's a given that my husband will be really drunk always!

He did not drink and I loved watching him engaged in conversations (not drunken obnoxious banter), throwing footballs around with the kids and talking and laughing with me and every one else.

He is still not drinking, going to meetings, reading his Blue Book and calling his sponsor. As far as I know. I am not watching him or questioning him. I am trying very hard to stay out of his recovery.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting today after I went to pilates. Tuesday meetings is when we read ODAT, CTC & HFT......and talk about what applies in the daily reading. Early this morning I read CTC & HFT and little things applied but not really alot. When I was at the meeting someone read ODAT. It was about the alcoholic having a "slip" (lapse, relapse). The sentence that stood out to me was: "The bad moments will pass if I do not blow them up into tragedies.....Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.....etc....

When I heard this I felt fear. Usually these reading hit home at just the right time. I AM sure if my alcoholic lapses, relapses, I won't be able to stay in this relationship. We have AGREED that if he drinks, he will move out. Right now it is only a week.....his track record isn't good.......I want to have faith in him, I really do. Yet I am skeptical. (I feel guilty for this.) Our relationship is really great right now.....His involvement with our family is really great right now.

My husband just told me that he was going out to meet his friend for a bit. This is the friend that he is always drinking with. This is also the friend he has known 20 something years...... I am not really worked up like I would normally be presuming all the bad things to come....but I am a bit concerned. I hope the ODAT doesn't apply today. I am not ready for it.

God...I pray for his sobriety and I pray for the will to carry this need for sobriety out. I deserve to have a life like this. My family deserves to have a life like this.

Sponsor

My husband came home after a meeting and looked a bit strange. When we started talking he told me that he got caught up on a phone call and by the time he got off it was 1:10 and he missed the meeting. (I was let down inside. I thought here come the excuses!)He told me he really needed to go to the bathroom so he went in the meeting room. When he came out he saw a guy there and asked him about how to find a sponsor. The guy told him to "pull up a chair!" (A sponsor! Wow! What a great thing and what a relief!) (As I'm typing this....I should see how I was judging him!)

He mentioned that he really like the guy....He had been in the program for 11 years and he owned a bar! My husband really liked that. The sponsor gave him 5 things to do: Buy the book, read the book for 20 min, call the sponsor and help somebody else. (I know that is only 4...but I forgot the other one.) I didn't understand the "help somebody else" but the more I think about it...It means to go to a meeting and talk to someone there about what you went through.....Which gets you to a meeting!! (Which is what one of my fears is....will he go to the meetings everyday.)

I am not understanding right now what is happening but it's really nice. My husband is so intentive it's a bit scary....but I love it. He is asking me how I'm feeling, etc....WHAT? I am not sure if he has ever asked me this and not walked away when I was answering. He is actually human right now.....Thank you God!!

I am noticing something that isn't good about this whole deal. I am becoming content and not reading my books and going to my meetings.......I need to keep up my work!!

We are going to a AA speaker meeting tonight. I have been to one of these before, alone. I asked my husband earlier if he would go with me. I have always dreamed of going to this meeting with him and I never thought it would ever be possible or if he went he would be rolling his eyes and mentally kicking and screaming. But he is going willingly...like as if we talked about going to dinner. I hope this speaker is good.....I think his sponsor will be there. I am looking forward to meeting him.

Uneventful

Today was relatively uneventful.....and with as much as I've been through, that's really nice!!

Went to the counselor today and she was nice, also had some quirky comments to add that made sense to me in all of this. My story really took up the entire hour....we'll start the work next week....

No Fight Left

This morning there was a banging on the laundry room door at 6 a.m. I knew it was him and I wanted it to stop so I opened the door. I just took one look at him. I didn't have anything left in me to fight so I just walked away, went into my room, shut and locked the door and went back to bed.

Of course I couldn't sleep, but I just layed there to think of what I was going to do. The kids were sleeping and I needed to get my son up in an hour to go to school. I wanted to just not say anything and get him to school and then leave but I didn't think that was possible.

Around 6:30 he knocked on the door. He said he needed to talk to me. I told him I didn't want to talk anymore, I had done enough talking.....20 years of it. Back and forth we went....and I told him that we (the family) had enough of the alcohol and we just don't care anymore if he ever gets sober...Just leave us alone!

He said he needed help. He was going to die. He said he was going to quit but he didn't want me to leave, he needed my support. I was done with the support...I was done trying to "fix" him. I told him that he needed to do this on his own. I told him that if he was serious he needed to quit talking and "do" something. He needed a rehab center. He said he was afraid of taking that much time off of work and was there any other way.....(I know that's another excuse!) I told him there was an AA meeting at 12 and if he wanted to quit that was where to start.

I was getting ready for "my" 10:00 al-anon meeting when he asked if I would go to the AA meeting with him. I said I would. After my meeting I talked to my sponsor about all that had happened. She told me that when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting I was unconfortable and scared and had to do it alone. This is what he needs to do. She told me that I really shouldn't go with him. I would just be a crutch. I agreed and called him and told him he needed to go alone.

Last week I had asked my sponsor for a counselor's name. After the meeting she gave it to me and made me call for an appointment right there and then. It is on Thursday. I haven't been to a counselor in about 13 years. (I have had phone sessions with one about three years back for a couple of months, but I haven't actually gone to an office!)

It has taken me a couple of days to complete this blog, so today is Wednesday and my husband has gone to two AA meetings. I really feel he needs at least an outpatient program to make this any type of start, but I am not him. I noticed that I have been getting in to his program. I am starting to tell him how to do things and this is an unhealthy place to me. This is also a new place to be....I never thought it was possible (and this is day two...so I know it may not be long, but you have to start somewhere!) I really need to use the slogan "Stay in my own Square" now more than ever!!

Hurtful

Saturday, Sunday and Today were the longest days of mine in a long time.

My parents said they talked to him and asked him to make sure violence doesn't happen. He didn't come home Saturday night. I knew he was in Phoenix....so he must have stayed in a hotel.

Sunday morning my neighbor called me telling me my husband was there and drunk. I immediately packed myself a bag. The kids were sleeping. I was going to get out before he came home. I didn't want to see him. I left.

My daughter told me that he came in, woke her up to give her a pair of channel sunglasses. (She knows this is a loaded present.) He then proceeded to pour himself a vodka and left with a random guy that he had taken to Las Vegas with him.

I made spaghetti sauce for me and the kids because that's what I always do on Sundays. Around 4 p.m. he walked in really drunk and asked if he could have some spaghetti as if nothing happened. I started walking out and was going to leave again. He followed me and screamed at me that this was his house and he wasn't going anywhere and I didn't realize how things worked. He then kicked my car door as I was pulling out. He left again. I thought he was leaving back to another hotel. I was wrong. My husband came back to my neighbors house and passed out on their sofa. I knew I needed to leave because he was going to wake up and come home and nothing was going to be nice. They didn't believe me. They said that I should stay home. I left with my son on my way to a hotel when my friend called me and told me to go there......

About an hour later I received numerous verbal phone calls from my husband. I didn't answer them. One of the messages he left me was telling me he threw my makeup in the pool. I called my daughter who was home to ask what was happening and she told me she was swimming tryimg to get my stuff out of the pool. She said she yelled at him and told him he wasn't just hurting me, he was hurting the family. Then she left and came to where I was.

This morning I took my son to school and went to an Al-Anon meeting then went to an AA open meeting. He left me alot of messages for me to call him. I could tell he felt bad but I didn't have anything to say. That is my problem. I Listen to his bullshit and believe the empty promises, then we get back together and it keeps going and going......on the rocky roller coaster!!

My stepdaughter called me and told me he was real apologetic and sorry and he would sleep at his friends house until I calmed down and then talk to me. She said he was totally sober. I knew differently. A 6 day binge is going to be at least a couple of days to get out of. She told me he wasn't home, he was out to lunch with his friend. I went home but cautiously. I packed another bag and put it close to the door just in case.

His driver rang the bell around 5 and told me my husband was in his car sleeping. He asked me what to do with him. I told him to drop him off at his friends house as agreed. They left, but when I called to verify 20 min later I found out they were 5 min away from coming back. I grabbed my bags and left and pulled out when they were pulling in. I saw my friend walking and told her to come in the car so we could talk. We went into the stores parking lot and discussed this ordeal.

She is friends with both of us, yet she said we deserved to be in the house so the kids can have as much of a regular life that they can right now. I decided to go home and ask him to leave.

Before I got to the house my daughter came home and saw her dad drunk and yelled at him telling him he wasn't right by being there drunk and he should leave and do what he agreed to do. His friend, and believe it or not, the driver, told her it was his house and he doesn't have to go anywhere. She told me later that night that she wasn't on anyones side and was trying to be neutral, but can't because he's just getting drunker and drunker.

When I came home he saw me and just said he's leaving. I didn't even have to say anything. I knew he meant it. I left to give him a bit of time and took the kids to dinner. My neighbor told me he left with his suitcase and started walking down the street with a few tears in his eyes. I feel really bad and this is extremely hurtful, but I don't have any other choice. Nothing is changing so I have to. This really hurts....all of it!! I want "him" here.....not the "addict!"

We are home now and I don't know where he is. My son is asking for him which really hurts. I'm hoping he doesn't come back right now. When I went to put on my pajamas on the bathroom mirror in toothpaste was the word "Cunt". This just reassures that I'm doing the right thing.

I searched online for the keywords divorce and alcoholic and this is what came up. This is eye-opening. It was like I was writing it. It's even signed by Phoenix. The reply is an even better.

http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2006/02/08/alcoholic_ex/index.html?source=salon.rss

Scared.....

I called American Express today and reported my husbands credit card lost. I knew it was not going to be pretty once I did this. I did this because I knew what the next step was going to be.
I talked to my son yesterday and told him that I wasn't happy. He said why? Dad has been good lately....I said that I understood that and that what was making things harder for me....but it isn't real. He has been drinking non-stop since Tuesday and now in Las Vegas...etc...etc..
I discussed what was going on with my daughter. She seems ok with it. She knows whats been happening for a long time. She said she doesn't see him much anyways so its not really changing. She knows that I have been unhappy for a long time.
I called my husband at lunch today (not knowing where he was....but sounded loud). I told him that I was sorry but I was done with our marriage. He was really mad about the credit card. I asked him if we could do this nicely....(I know that isn't going to happen, but it made me feel better saying it.) He said he's glad and that he was done with me also. This may be the case, but I'm not sure. I don't care anymore. He started calling me names and I hung up the phone. He called alot more times but I let my voicemail pick it up. I didn't want to hear it.....it's to hurtful.
He said he was on his way home and that I can't kick him out of his own house. I am not sure what to do at this point. I guess he is flying home.....?????? I am walking on eggshells expecting him to come home and rage. I am a bit scared. He struck me 12 years ago and I called the police and he went to jail. I don't think he will hit me but truthfully, I'm not sure. I do know there will be verbal abuse. Most likely breaking things.
I have a houseful of kids here and only my daughter knows whats going on. She knows that if he comes in the house and starts anything she is to get the boys out. Hopefully she will listen to me once!!
I am in limbo.....just waiting.....scared but strong. This is not an empty threat. I need to do this for myself. I am dying with this situation....This disease.
I was planning on going to an open AA meeting tonight because there is a guest speaker usually on saturday nights, but it all depends what is happening here at home.
Please god watch over me and direct me in the right direction. I know I have to hurt to grow. Can we get this part over with as soon as possible please!!!???

Inspirational

I found this on someone blog. I am not sure who wrote it or where it came from but I really liked it....It made me peaceful


The good you find in others, is in you too.
The faults you find in others are your faults as well.
After all, to recognize something you must know it.

The possibilities you see in others, are possible for you as well.
The beauty you see around you is your beauty.
The world around you is a reflection, a mirror showing you the person you are.

To change your world, you must change yourself.
To blame and complain will only make matters worse.
Whatever you care about, is your responsibility.
What you see in others shows you yourself.

See the best in others, and you will be your best.
Give to others, and you give to yourself.
Appreciate beauty, and you will be beautiful.
Admire creativity, and you will be creative.

Love, and you will be loved.
Seek to understand, and you will be understood.
Listen, and your voice will be heard.
Teach, and you will learn.

One Word

Vegas!!

This is where the worse of the binges takes us.......

My daughter was watching the video's of when she was a baby with her friend yesterday. (She is now 19!) The video was her first Christmas in our house opening her presents with myself and her dad. She was so cute and little....A few minutes passes and I looked at myself in this video and I looked so happy. I realized that I felt just as helpless then as I do now with alcohol. Nothing has changed. I didn't know Al-Anon then as I do now but 18 years have past and I'm still in this same hole!!

I guess I'm feeling pretty down. My son is sick, I'm feeling like I'm getting sick and our A/C is leaking.....and of course my husband is in Vegas...getting wasted, gambling, and who else knows or cares!! God, can you take this away?

Need I Say More!

Just like the title says.....Need I say more? I talked to him this morning and he was still drunk. I haven't heard from him since........

Will He or Won’t He

I have mixed emotions about what I’m feeling right now.  I feel complacent yet I have a bit of fear in me.  With Alcohol only hitting us once a week (his plan to drink one day a week) it has shown me that our loving relationship wasn’t just a figment of my imagination. 

The first day’s or a week of this so called diet, cleaning out his system, I was walking on eggshells, waiting for the returning earthquakes.   He had his Saturday night drinking.  I really tried to ignore him.  (I didn’t think he would stay on this program.  I expected he would start back and continue drinking…..but he didn’t.) Sunday he went back to his “no drinking” right through the week until Friday.  I hated Friday.  Even though he was nice with my stepdaughter being there….he drank extremely heavy and was completely disassociated.  (FYI – I do know that this is not considered sobriety….dry drunk, etc….and yes, he still had mannerisms of the alcoholic!)

The following week he did his “diet” again and then drank on Friday …..and of course, we fought.  It was something so stupid and inconsiderate but he took it where it didn’t need to go and issued alot of unwarranted blame and insults along with his drunken arrogant attitude that is coming from the addict, not my husband…..

During his “no drinking” days things were really nice.  He talked to me more.  He talked to “our family” more.  He involved himself in our lives.  He took his work phone off the hook on his own and invited us all to watch movies together.  He worked out.  He didn’t look like he was dying right in front of me!!  He grabbed my arm in a loving way while we were watching tv and held me if only for a second.  I loved “us”.

Today he flew to Southern California for business.  I am concerned.  This is where the fear comes in.  When he goes away he drinks to oblivion.  (I think that is why he doesn’t travel as much anymore because he is afraid of himself….)  His track record is huge binges.  He say’s he’s going for a day or two……I don’t see him or hear from him for about a week.  When he finally surfaces I can’t bear to see him and the state he has put himself in.  I crushes me.  I can’t even stand smelling him.  Vodka is not odorless…….

Maybe this is God’s way of just showing me a glimpse of what I had.  A wake up call.  Showing me what I’m entitled to.  Love. 

I really want to call him.  To hear him.  But I have asked myself this three times already….”What is my motive?”  Reality?  My motive is to see if he is drunk.  Verify my fear.  That is why May 10th on ODAT was so important for me to read….to prepare me for today.  As hard as it is….I am, at this moment, turning it over to you God….Please show me the way…..Thanks

ODAT hitting home!

Today, May 10th, in ODAT hits home. I am writing what applies to me, so I can try to work on this!!

It reads:
There are kinds of involvement that can only make our difficulties worse. We make trouble for ourselves when we interfere with the alcoholic activities, trying to find out where he is, what he's been doing, where the money went. Suspicion, searching and prying will only keep us in a state of turmoil, and make the situation worse, instead of improving it.

Today's reminder: What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part. This is a basic spiritual truth, implicit in our slogan, Let go and Let God! When action is really required, as when a crisis happens, we will then be better prepared to meet the emergency.

Reading: "He that is in perfect peace suspects no one, but he that is discontented and disturbed is tossed about with various suspicions; he is neither quiet himself nor does he allow others to be quiet: (Thomas A'Kempis)

I am famous for hunting down my husband. They call me "radar". I am looking back at my proudness I felt about having the ability to do this!! I use to think, "Hah!" you can't hide from me!

Now, I am looking back and realizing the turmoil and despair I felt while I was doing this. My stomach use to turn and I was in a crazy spinning mode. Nothing was going to stop this crazy behavior until I got what I wanted.....To know where he was and what he was doing and who he was with!! (Even though I already knew this truth!!) Then what.....

No matter what I said, what I did, I couldn't get him to stop drinking or come home. If he did decide to come home, I really didn't want him home the way he was!! How was this a "win" situation.....It wasn't. My obsession made me as guilty as he was......and the letdown I felt in the end wasn't what I was after!! I am also truly insane. To this day....I am still doing the same thing all the time always expecting different results!! GEEZ!!!

I need to "Let go and Let God" and not just write it....DO IT!! I want this "perfect peace to suspect no one" but I need to stop trying to rationalize irrational behavior...and Do the work!! Even if the work is "Doing Nothing!"

This reading was really what I need to read and write about!!
BTW - Happy Mothers Day!! So far its been really nice!

Thinking Clearly????

I read or heard somewhere that "When there isn't Chaos, that's when you see clear enough to do your best recovery work and that's when you have the most growth! - (Something like that....)
That makes perfect sense to me yet I also have problems with it.

When chaos occurs "in my face, right here and at the moment" I can't see anything. I just feel it. I feel hurt, angry, tired, outraged, protective of others seeing this/feeling this also, and extremely abandoned, etc.

When the chaos is still happening, (he is not home....he is out drinking and will be home, or out of town...drinking) I read, study, passionately feel and write down.....and work on my recovery. I know exactly what I feel, I know exactly what to say about what I'm feeling.....I write so fast on what applies and what I need to work on that I can't seem to get it down fast enough.

This moment, this time of my life....today..It's peaceful. I am unsure what to write. I am unsure what I'm feeling. I am not reading, I am not doing any recovery work. I am just sitting here trying to reflect and blog it. So is this my growth? Is this my best work?

(FYI - for myself on events. Went to get my daughters stuff yesterday out of her dorm. My husband asked to go. This is very unusual for him to participate in our lives especially in manual labor. I usually don't even ask. He hasn't been drinking all week until we arrived in her town and took her to lunch. He said this was his drinking day for the week. (I started planning the future (survival) on the outcome of how I would do it alone...again.... because he would be drunk, but he only had two beers at lunch......(Of course I felt better to remind him at lunch what we had to do (Fool!) so he wouldn't order more (like that would have stopped him!! (Please see this is exactly where you need to work on yourself!!) Long story short....We moved the stuff we needed to move, we started to drive home but needed to stop to get him beer for the ride home....he continued to drink.....we went out to dinner....he called me names, we fought, he passed out....blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. etc......
Today he is eating right again and he is not drinking....and I am wondering how long this is going to last....Pitiful!!
One more thing. His daughter said she had the best time while she was here. He only drank one night and he was the caring and loving man I know while sober!!! This is probably the second time (I can't remember the first, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt) she ever said she loved being here with him......I truly loved hearing that......

The One Day a Week Binge!!

Well now I realized why he was grumpy....he was fasting! I don't think I have ever seen him fast a day in his life. ( I am sure his daughter coming was part of it also because he was really curt with me and jumpy!)

Last night he drank. He is trying to only drink one day a week. Don't worry I can see through this. My sponsor say's even though he is not drinking alcohol, he is still acting like he is...which is true...without the weaving and passing out. He mentioned before we went out that he was not going to get "out of control" and just have a few drinks.......I wonder, does he consider 33 vodkas until he is incoherent a "few drinks"?

Last night and every night that he is drunk....I say to myself, WHY are you living like this? You can't live like this!!! I hate living like this!! Today, even though he's back to relatively ignoring me, he didn't drink. (I didn't think this would happen. He also needed credit later when he asked me "how about me, I didn't drink!" - Why are we always talking about him and he is always needing reassurance about him!! Is he really this insecure?? I truly need someone to take the wool of my eyes.....I can't trust my own judgement on anthing!! Why can't I see this for what it truly is......serious irrational behavior!!

Last week in Al-Anon I was told that when I stop talking about him and start talking and working on me...my recovery really begins. I really want that to happen. I started this blog to show me what is happening, so I quit forgetting!! Quit diminishing!! Face reality!! I can work on myself in the meetings......

Things are going ok with my stepdaughter....although my daughter is acting like a true bitch and throwing imaginary knives at me. Thank god for Al-Anon or I would feel every one of them.....Instead I'm learning how to duck and run for cover!!

My stepdaughter asked me about a month ago about Al-Anon and she was considering going to a meeting. (I am not sure if she needs Al-Anon or AA, but this is not for me to decide....stay in my own square, etc.) I don't think she ever went....I was considering asking her if she would like to go to my Monday meeting with me, but she also has a friend here, along with throwing a negative critisism at me saying "your acting al Al-Anony". I'm a bit guarded about taking this any further for my own well being.....I really don't need anymore stones thrown in my direction!! I truly believe this program has been a life-saver for me and that's all I'm truly concerned with. I am entitled to be happy, and for now, this is it!

I read something today in this book that I feel is amazing called "Moments of Clarity" by Christopher Kennedy Lawford, well really I read two things that made sense to me. 1. If your not carrying a burden, would you know the relief of putting it down? 2. We all get clean and sober eventually, but it's best to do it while we are alive! (I hope my husband get's clean and sober while he's alive, I am just not sure I can be there when he does....I am not sure I can or want to go through anymore!