I have mixed emotions about what I’m feeling right now. I feel complacent yet I have a bit of fear in me. With Alcohol only hitting us once a week (his plan to drink one day a week) it has shown me that our loving relationship wasn’t just a figment of my imagination.
The first day’s or a week of this so called diet, cleaning out his system, I was walking on eggshells, waiting for the returning earthquakes. He had his Saturday night drinking. I really tried to ignore him. (I didn’t think he would stay on this program. I expected he would start back and continue drinking…..but he didn’t.) Sunday he went back to his “no drinking” right through the week until Friday. I hated Friday. Even though he was nice with my stepdaughter being there….he drank extremely heavy and was completely disassociated. (FYI – I do know that this is not considered sobriety….dry drunk, etc….and yes, he still had mannerisms of the alcoholic!)
The following week he did his “diet” again and then drank on Friday …..and of course, we fought. It was something so stupid and inconsiderate but he took it where it didn’t need to go and issued alot of unwarranted blame and insults along with his drunken arrogant attitude that is coming from the addict, not my husband…..
During his “no drinking” days things were really nice. He talked to me more. He talked to “our family” more. He involved himself in our lives. He took his work phone off the hook on his own and invited us all to watch movies together. He worked out. He didn’t look like he was dying right in front of me!! He grabbed my arm in a loving way while we were watching tv and held me if only for a second. I loved “us”.
Today he flew to Southern California for business. I am concerned. This is where the fear comes in. When he goes away he drinks to oblivion. (I think that is why he doesn’t travel as much anymore because he is afraid of himself….) His track record is huge binges. He say’s he’s going for a day or two……I don’t see him or hear from him for about a week. When he finally surfaces I can’t bear to see him and the state he has put himself in. I crushes me. I can’t even stand smelling him. Vodka is not odorless…….
Maybe this is God’s way of just showing me a glimpse of what I had. A wake up call. Showing me what I’m entitled to. Love.
I really want to call him. To hear him. But I have asked myself this three times already….”What is my motive?” Reality? My motive is to see if he is drunk. Verify my fear. That is why May 10th on ODAT was so important for me to read….to prepare me for today. As hard as it is….I am, at this moment, turning it over to you God….Please show me the way…..Thanks
2 comments:
I tried the one day a week thing. I finally figured out that it was easier to quit totally. I hope he feels the same way, soon.
This isn't the first time he tried this. It didn't work then either. Now it's an out of town binge. This is where I truly need to put program to work.
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