2 hours and counting

I have heard "insanity" explained as - doing the same thing expecting different results. I do this on a regular basis. I am insane when it comes to the disease of alcoholism.
I came home from a meeting and meeting my sponsor not expecting anything but the loving husband I have had for the past two days. I am not getting that. I am not sure what is wrong but he isn't eating. I hope he is just grumpy because he is dieting and not drinking. I hope this isn't the hurricane/tornado I have been expecting.....(when he sees his daughter.) (This is where I thought of the word "insane"! I am expecting different results when she comes to visit this time.......
In my meeting today the topic was Tradition 4. I really wasn't excited about this discussion at all until I heard a couples of members say that we could show autotomy to members of our family. We could use "principles above personalities with them!" That is going to help me hopefully this weekend to remember that they have the right to be themselves and I have a right to be myself, yet I can work the principles of the program. (I am a little rushed right now, so I am not sure if I'm explaining this right....I need to read it again when I have a minute.)
I am stressing a bit about my son's friend. His dad just got back from Mexico City last week and my son has been playing with his son all week. I just found out he is now sick. His mother doesn't believe in doctors......I know stressing won't help anything, so maybe if I write this to myself I can voice it and then discard it........
I pick up my stepdaughter in two hours.....Here we go

Sense of Peace

This peacefulness I feel right now is bliss. My husband is still sober and talking and laughing with us. He is coming out of the ignoring stage and coming into the person I know and have always loved. I watch as he and my son laugh together. I see "him" not the "other him" (the one I loathe!)

I wasn't going to write tonight but I felt I had to for my recovery. I have to remember this feeling because I'm not sure how long it will last. My stepdaughter is coming tomorrow night and I most likely won't be able to post. I can't wait to see her yet I am always a bit fearful for a few reasons. One - I can tell my husband has some real embedded hurt inside him because every time she comes (which isn't often) he drinks heavy and acts invinsible. Two- when he acts bad I feel like I need to defend him.....because before she came he was completely different and I'm not sure what happened. Three - The older she gets the worse I see/hear her drinking gets. She can also play the blame game, etc. like her father and fling those sideways swords in my direction.

Of course I am always hopeful that he will stay sober and himself.....but my sponsor tells me that I am always predicting the future because it helps me stay in the survival mode, so at this time, I am going to try to stay in the moment. Will report back when I can.......

Uncertainess

I am not quite sure what to do with the peace...when he is home and sober. On one hand I am extremely grateful. On the other I am just waiting for the chaos.
I call when I am done working out/going to meetings and I "expect" him to answer the phone. If he doesn't, I go on some "disturbed" "don't care voice" "frenzied" manhunt.
Where is he? Who is he with? Is he already drunk? Etc. Etc....I want to know. I don't know what I'll do with this knowledge.....I just want to know. I have already accused him even before I know anything!! I don't say this on the phone when I reach him.....I am so perfectly nice!! Playing mind games....searching for information!! Pretending that I am fine with everything......LIAR!!


He still only drank on Saturday....(which I do understand completely) it is "still drinking!!" I just really want him to get it!! (Then what!)

A couple of people shared today at the meeting and said that when their alcoholic went out of town they were peaceful with themselves and the situation. They did not feel insecure that their spouses would relapse and drink. I would love to be in this place, yet....I am quite honest to say that I have lived in this situation so long I don't think I will ever be there. It sounds great and I should really strive for that goal.

Another person said that they had been with their alcoholic a very long time and when they left them they wondered what took them so long. I feel this almost everyday. Only today in my meeting did I think about this and come to a light bulb moment......I could have left my alcoholic....but my sickness is my own!! I am sure that even if I left him....the ones that would come after him would have definitely been alcoholics ....no question!!

Wake up!!

The only good thing about me seeing his drinking is the despair I feel to keep me in meetings!! When things are good......I don't do the work!! I need to wake up!!
My feelings are the highest high's and lowest low's. I haven't been to a meeting since Tuesday and I can feel it.
I need to read and study my Al-Anon books to help me find peace but I have lost my house to his work. I need to adjust and find other avenues that I'm comfortable with or just say WTF and break them out at home.......

Help yourself!!

Poof! Out the window!!

There goes my hope. The one I always hope for when he's not drinking. The one where I think one day he will get it. He will realize his drinking is destroying his life and ours. He has a few days of sobriety and then I come in the house and see a beer/drink in his hand and Poof! My hope out the window!

I wonder, will I ever be at that place where watching him drink does not turn my stomach. Will I ever be healed enough that I just don't care anymore and it's not in me to hate him, loathe him/the drinking/alcohol period!!

I really don't think so, but I do know a few things I can do. I can go to meetings, I can do my homework (my sponsor has me answering questions about step one), I can ask God for some help. If anyone out there has any other suggestions for me to help "me" I would love some wisdom.

Strange Day

I had a very strange day today. Alot of self-pity. Alot of quiet. Alot of in my head......

I did alot of searching for blogs and I did alot blog reading today and I really liked it. I didn't know this existed or I would have been on a long time ago....but as we learn in Al-Anon....this is right where I need to be.

There isn't any chaos in my house right now and it's freaking me out!! I am walking around on eggshells just waiting for something to happen......Why am I doing this? Why am I just not enjoying where I am right now? Because this is what makes me stop recovering. This is when I make up an illusion that everything is okay. BUT IT'S NOT OKAY!!

My husband is on one of his "diets" and isn't drinking. He is asking my opinion on everything and when he's sober I actually fall for all of his questions and opinions, etc. even though he walks away before I give an answer. (Thank God!)

It's easy to walk away when he's drunk. It's easier to feel superior. I need an Al-anon meeting. I need a smack in the head telling me to "wake up!!"

I conquered something the other day that I am proud of. I admitted to my husband that I was going back to Al-Anon. I have been hiding it ever since I started going back out of fear that he would freak out and leave. (I felt I had to get strong enough that I didn't care if that happened.) He was wondering where I was going knowing that I wasn't working out 3 to 4 hours a day and always came back singing and extremely happy. (I think he thought I had a boyfriend) (My sickness in all honesty is that I was also getting a payoff by making him wonder....He was actually wondering about me. I was finally getting attention!!) He put me on the spot a bit firmer and I told him I was going back. His response was "I have always supported you in that"...and that was it!! What!! How can that be it!! How could I have made so much of something in my head and been so fearful when that was his response.....See!! I am sick......

I will see my sponsor on Monday's meeting and I really can't wait to tell her this. She told me that I wasn't recovering if I was lying. If I didn't fear of abuse (I did fear of the verbal abuse) I should not lie and speak the truth not only to him but to myself. It made sense.

I need to look for a meeting for tomorrow. Friday isn't my normal meeting time but just writing this I can see I need to help myself.......

First Blog

I am really looking forward to this!! This will help me feel, yell, share, love!! This will help me measure my progress, which I am hopeful will be the beginning of my new life for myself. I understand that "my life" is what I make of it........
I am done with blame. I am ready.

Just a one time bit of information about me.
I have been married for 20 years. I really don't know what to say about that right now. I am a bit resentful about that. Not only with him, but mainly with myself. I have been a codependent to an alcoholic for a very long time. He has been/is a workaholic for even longer which makes him not be able to share any part of himself with me that I have been forever longing for. I am waving the white flag!!

Kids - I have two. One that I just lost to college....a girl, true drama queen. Her and I are so much alike it's scary!! (She is so codependent that my codependent ways want to fix her!! UGH!) and another....boy.....who is just reaching his preteen ways with girls and zits!! I am in that love him bunches/hate him stage!! BTW - love my kids and I can honestly say to myself that I am/have been the best mother I can be, they just drive me crazy sometimes.

I have been going back to Al-Anon for myself for about a month which has been making me stronger and happier. It is also giving me a new frame of mind. I am trying to keep the concentration on "Me". This is very hard to do when you have been involved with the alcoholic for a long time. This blog is to help me get from "My" addiction!!

This blog is also to talk to "anyone" to just be able to talk.........to find my voice again!! I have let life shut me down!!