Uncertainess

I am not quite sure what to do with the peace...when he is home and sober. On one hand I am extremely grateful. On the other I am just waiting for the chaos.
I call when I am done working out/going to meetings and I "expect" him to answer the phone. If he doesn't, I go on some "disturbed" "don't care voice" "frenzied" manhunt.
Where is he? Who is he with? Is he already drunk? Etc. Etc....I want to know. I don't know what I'll do with this knowledge.....I just want to know. I have already accused him even before I know anything!! I don't say this on the phone when I reach him.....I am so perfectly nice!! Playing mind games....searching for information!! Pretending that I am fine with everything......LIAR!!


He still only drank on Saturday....(which I do understand completely) it is "still drinking!!" I just really want him to get it!! (Then what!)

A couple of people shared today at the meeting and said that when their alcoholic went out of town they were peaceful with themselves and the situation. They did not feel insecure that their spouses would relapse and drink. I would love to be in this place, yet....I am quite honest to say that I have lived in this situation so long I don't think I will ever be there. It sounds great and I should really strive for that goal.

Another person said that they had been with their alcoholic a very long time and when they left them they wondered what took them so long. I feel this almost everyday. Only today in my meeting did I think about this and come to a light bulb moment......I could have left my alcoholic....but my sickness is my own!! I am sure that even if I left him....the ones that would come after him would have definitely been alcoholics ....no question!!