Strange Day

I had a very strange day today. Alot of self-pity. Alot of quiet. Alot of in my head......

I did alot of searching for blogs and I did alot blog reading today and I really liked it. I didn't know this existed or I would have been on a long time ago....but as we learn in Al-Anon....this is right where I need to be.

There isn't any chaos in my house right now and it's freaking me out!! I am walking around on eggshells just waiting for something to happen......Why am I doing this? Why am I just not enjoying where I am right now? Because this is what makes me stop recovering. This is when I make up an illusion that everything is okay. BUT IT'S NOT OKAY!!

My husband is on one of his "diets" and isn't drinking. He is asking my opinion on everything and when he's sober I actually fall for all of his questions and opinions, etc. even though he walks away before I give an answer. (Thank God!)

It's easy to walk away when he's drunk. It's easier to feel superior. I need an Al-anon meeting. I need a smack in the head telling me to "wake up!!"

I conquered something the other day that I am proud of. I admitted to my husband that I was going back to Al-Anon. I have been hiding it ever since I started going back out of fear that he would freak out and leave. (I felt I had to get strong enough that I didn't care if that happened.) He was wondering where I was going knowing that I wasn't working out 3 to 4 hours a day and always came back singing and extremely happy. (I think he thought I had a boyfriend) (My sickness in all honesty is that I was also getting a payoff by making him wonder....He was actually wondering about me. I was finally getting attention!!) He put me on the spot a bit firmer and I told him I was going back. His response was "I have always supported you in that"...and that was it!! What!! How can that be it!! How could I have made so much of something in my head and been so fearful when that was his response.....See!! I am sick......

I will see my sponsor on Monday's meeting and I really can't wait to tell her this. She told me that I wasn't recovering if I was lying. If I didn't fear of abuse (I did fear of the verbal abuse) I should not lie and speak the truth not only to him but to myself. It made sense.

I need to look for a meeting for tomorrow. Friday isn't my normal meeting time but just writing this I can see I need to help myself.......