Scared.....

I called American Express today and reported my husbands credit card lost. I knew it was not going to be pretty once I did this. I did this because I knew what the next step was going to be.
I talked to my son yesterday and told him that I wasn't happy. He said why? Dad has been good lately....I said that I understood that and that what was making things harder for me....but it isn't real. He has been drinking non-stop since Tuesday and now in Las Vegas...etc...etc..
I discussed what was going on with my daughter. She seems ok with it. She knows whats been happening for a long time. She said she doesn't see him much anyways so its not really changing. She knows that I have been unhappy for a long time.
I called my husband at lunch today (not knowing where he was....but sounded loud). I told him that I was sorry but I was done with our marriage. He was really mad about the credit card. I asked him if we could do this nicely....(I know that isn't going to happen, but it made me feel better saying it.) He said he's glad and that he was done with me also. This may be the case, but I'm not sure. I don't care anymore. He started calling me names and I hung up the phone. He called alot more times but I let my voicemail pick it up. I didn't want to hear it.....it's to hurtful.
He said he was on his way home and that I can't kick him out of his own house. I am not sure what to do at this point. I guess he is flying home.....?????? I am walking on eggshells expecting him to come home and rage. I am a bit scared. He struck me 12 years ago and I called the police and he went to jail. I don't think he will hit me but truthfully, I'm not sure. I do know there will be verbal abuse. Most likely breaking things.
I have a houseful of kids here and only my daughter knows whats going on. She knows that if he comes in the house and starts anything she is to get the boys out. Hopefully she will listen to me once!!
I am in limbo.....just waiting.....scared but strong. This is not an empty threat. I need to do this for myself. I am dying with this situation....This disease.
I was planning on going to an open AA meeting tonight because there is a guest speaker usually on saturday nights, but it all depends what is happening here at home.
Please god watch over me and direct me in the right direction. I know I have to hurt to grow. Can we get this part over with as soon as possible please!!!???

One Word

Vegas!!

This is where the worse of the binges takes us.......

My daughter was watching the video's of when she was a baby with her friend yesterday. (She is now 19!) The video was her first Christmas in our house opening her presents with myself and her dad. She was so cute and little....A few minutes passes and I looked at myself in this video and I looked so happy. I realized that I felt just as helpless then as I do now with alcohol. Nothing has changed. I didn't know Al-Anon then as I do now but 18 years have past and I'm still in this same hole!!

I guess I'm feeling pretty down. My son is sick, I'm feeling like I'm getting sick and our A/C is leaking.....and of course my husband is in Vegas...getting wasted, gambling, and who else knows or cares!! God, can you take this away?

Need I Say More!

Just like the title says.....Need I say more? I talked to him this morning and he was still drunk. I haven't heard from him since........

Will He or Won’t He

I have mixed emotions about what I’m feeling right now.  I feel complacent yet I have a bit of fear in me.  With Alcohol only hitting us once a week (his plan to drink one day a week) it has shown me that our loving relationship wasn’t just a figment of my imagination. 

The first day’s or a week of this so called diet, cleaning out his system, I was walking on eggshells, waiting for the returning earthquakes.   He had his Saturday night drinking.  I really tried to ignore him.  (I didn’t think he would stay on this program.  I expected he would start back and continue drinking…..but he didn’t.) Sunday he went back to his “no drinking” right through the week until Friday.  I hated Friday.  Even though he was nice with my stepdaughter being there….he drank extremely heavy and was completely disassociated.  (FYI – I do know that this is not considered sobriety….dry drunk, etc….and yes, he still had mannerisms of the alcoholic!)

The following week he did his “diet” again and then drank on Friday …..and of course, we fought.  It was something so stupid and inconsiderate but he took it where it didn’t need to go and issued alot of unwarranted blame and insults along with his drunken arrogant attitude that is coming from the addict, not my husband…..

During his “no drinking” days things were really nice.  He talked to me more.  He talked to “our family” more.  He involved himself in our lives.  He took his work phone off the hook on his own and invited us all to watch movies together.  He worked out.  He didn’t look like he was dying right in front of me!!  He grabbed my arm in a loving way while we were watching tv and held me if only for a second.  I loved “us”.

Today he flew to Southern California for business.  I am concerned.  This is where the fear comes in.  When he goes away he drinks to oblivion.  (I think that is why he doesn’t travel as much anymore because he is afraid of himself….)  His track record is huge binges.  He say’s he’s going for a day or two……I don’t see him or hear from him for about a week.  When he finally surfaces I can’t bear to see him and the state he has put himself in.  I crushes me.  I can’t even stand smelling him.  Vodka is not odorless…….

Maybe this is God’s way of just showing me a glimpse of what I had.  A wake up call.  Showing me what I’m entitled to.  Love. 

I really want to call him.  To hear him.  But I have asked myself this three times already….”What is my motive?”  Reality?  My motive is to see if he is drunk.  Verify my fear.  That is why May 10th on ODAT was so important for me to read….to prepare me for today.  As hard as it is….I am, at this moment, turning it over to you God….Please show me the way…..Thanks

ODAT hitting home!

Today, May 10th, in ODAT hits home. I am writing what applies to me, so I can try to work on this!!

It reads:
There are kinds of involvement that can only make our difficulties worse. We make trouble for ourselves when we interfere with the alcoholic activities, trying to find out where he is, what he's been doing, where the money went. Suspicion, searching and prying will only keep us in a state of turmoil, and make the situation worse, instead of improving it.

Today's reminder: What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part. This is a basic spiritual truth, implicit in our slogan, Let go and Let God! When action is really required, as when a crisis happens, we will then be better prepared to meet the emergency.

Reading: "He that is in perfect peace suspects no one, but he that is discontented and disturbed is tossed about with various suspicions; he is neither quiet himself nor does he allow others to be quiet: (Thomas A'Kempis)

I am famous for hunting down my husband. They call me "radar". I am looking back at my proudness I felt about having the ability to do this!! I use to think, "Hah!" you can't hide from me!

Now, I am looking back and realizing the turmoil and despair I felt while I was doing this. My stomach use to turn and I was in a crazy spinning mode. Nothing was going to stop this crazy behavior until I got what I wanted.....To know where he was and what he was doing and who he was with!! (Even though I already knew this truth!!) Then what.....

No matter what I said, what I did, I couldn't get him to stop drinking or come home. If he did decide to come home, I really didn't want him home the way he was!! How was this a "win" situation.....It wasn't. My obsession made me as guilty as he was......and the letdown I felt in the end wasn't what I was after!! I am also truly insane. To this day....I am still doing the same thing all the time always expecting different results!! GEEZ!!!

I need to "Let go and Let God" and not just write it....DO IT!! I want this "perfect peace to suspect no one" but I need to stop trying to rationalize irrational behavior...and Do the work!! Even if the work is "Doing Nothing!"

This reading was really what I need to read and write about!!
BTW - Happy Mothers Day!! So far its been really nice!

The One Day a Week Binge!!

Well now I realized why he was grumpy....he was fasting! I don't think I have ever seen him fast a day in his life. ( I am sure his daughter coming was part of it also because he was really curt with me and jumpy!)

Last night he drank. He is trying to only drink one day a week. Don't worry I can see through this. My sponsor say's even though he is not drinking alcohol, he is still acting like he is...which is true...without the weaving and passing out. He mentioned before we went out that he was not going to get "out of control" and just have a few drinks.......I wonder, does he consider 33 vodkas until he is incoherent a "few drinks"?

Last night and every night that he is drunk....I say to myself, WHY are you living like this? You can't live like this!!! I hate living like this!! Today, even though he's back to relatively ignoring me, he didn't drink. (I didn't think this would happen. He also needed credit later when he asked me "how about me, I didn't drink!" - Why are we always talking about him and he is always needing reassurance about him!! Is he really this insecure?? I truly need someone to take the wool of my eyes.....I can't trust my own judgement on anthing!! Why can't I see this for what it truly is......serious irrational behavior!!

Last week in Al-Anon I was told that when I stop talking about him and start talking and working on me...my recovery really begins. I really want that to happen. I started this blog to show me what is happening, so I quit forgetting!! Quit diminishing!! Face reality!! I can work on myself in the meetings......

Things are going ok with my stepdaughter....although my daughter is acting like a true bitch and throwing imaginary knives at me. Thank god for Al-Anon or I would feel every one of them.....Instead I'm learning how to duck and run for cover!!

My stepdaughter asked me about a month ago about Al-Anon and she was considering going to a meeting. (I am not sure if she needs Al-Anon or AA, but this is not for me to decide....stay in my own square, etc.) I don't think she ever went....I was considering asking her if she would like to go to my Monday meeting with me, but she also has a friend here, along with throwing a negative critisism at me saying "your acting al Al-Anony". I'm a bit guarded about taking this any further for my own well being.....I really don't need anymore stones thrown in my direction!! I truly believe this program has been a life-saver for me and that's all I'm truly concerned with. I am entitled to be happy, and for now, this is it!

I read something today in this book that I feel is amazing called "Moments of Clarity" by Christopher Kennedy Lawford, well really I read two things that made sense to me. 1. If your not carrying a burden, would you know the relief of putting it down? 2. We all get clean and sober eventually, but it's best to do it while we are alive! (I hope my husband get's clean and sober while he's alive, I am just not sure I can be there when he does....I am not sure I can or want to go through anymore!