ODAT hitting home!

Today, May 10th, in ODAT hits home. I am writing what applies to me, so I can try to work on this!!

It reads:
There are kinds of involvement that can only make our difficulties worse. We make trouble for ourselves when we interfere with the alcoholic activities, trying to find out where he is, what he's been doing, where the money went. Suspicion, searching and prying will only keep us in a state of turmoil, and make the situation worse, instead of improving it.

Today's reminder: What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part. This is a basic spiritual truth, implicit in our slogan, Let go and Let God! When action is really required, as when a crisis happens, we will then be better prepared to meet the emergency.

Reading: "He that is in perfect peace suspects no one, but he that is discontented and disturbed is tossed about with various suspicions; he is neither quiet himself nor does he allow others to be quiet: (Thomas A'Kempis)

I am famous for hunting down my husband. They call me "radar". I am looking back at my proudness I felt about having the ability to do this!! I use to think, "Hah!" you can't hide from me!

Now, I am looking back and realizing the turmoil and despair I felt while I was doing this. My stomach use to turn and I was in a crazy spinning mode. Nothing was going to stop this crazy behavior until I got what I wanted.....To know where he was and what he was doing and who he was with!! (Even though I already knew this truth!!) Then what.....

No matter what I said, what I did, I couldn't get him to stop drinking or come home. If he did decide to come home, I really didn't want him home the way he was!! How was this a "win" situation.....It wasn't. My obsession made me as guilty as he was......and the letdown I felt in the end wasn't what I was after!! I am also truly insane. To this day....I am still doing the same thing all the time always expecting different results!! GEEZ!!!

I need to "Let go and Let God" and not just write it....DO IT!! I want this "perfect peace to suspect no one" but I need to stop trying to rationalize irrational behavior...and Do the work!! Even if the work is "Doing Nothing!"

This reading was really what I need to read and write about!!
BTW - Happy Mothers Day!! So far its been really nice!

The One Day a Week Binge!!

Well now I realized why he was grumpy....he was fasting! I don't think I have ever seen him fast a day in his life. ( I am sure his daughter coming was part of it also because he was really curt with me and jumpy!)

Last night he drank. He is trying to only drink one day a week. Don't worry I can see through this. My sponsor say's even though he is not drinking alcohol, he is still acting like he is...which is true...without the weaving and passing out. He mentioned before we went out that he was not going to get "out of control" and just have a few drinks.......I wonder, does he consider 33 vodkas until he is incoherent a "few drinks"?

Last night and every night that he is drunk....I say to myself, WHY are you living like this? You can't live like this!!! I hate living like this!! Today, even though he's back to relatively ignoring me, he didn't drink. (I didn't think this would happen. He also needed credit later when he asked me "how about me, I didn't drink!" - Why are we always talking about him and he is always needing reassurance about him!! Is he really this insecure?? I truly need someone to take the wool of my eyes.....I can't trust my own judgement on anthing!! Why can't I see this for what it truly is......serious irrational behavior!!

Last week in Al-Anon I was told that when I stop talking about him and start talking and working on me...my recovery really begins. I really want that to happen. I started this blog to show me what is happening, so I quit forgetting!! Quit diminishing!! Face reality!! I can work on myself in the meetings......

Things are going ok with my stepdaughter....although my daughter is acting like a true bitch and throwing imaginary knives at me. Thank god for Al-Anon or I would feel every one of them.....Instead I'm learning how to duck and run for cover!!

My stepdaughter asked me about a month ago about Al-Anon and she was considering going to a meeting. (I am not sure if she needs Al-Anon or AA, but this is not for me to decide....stay in my own square, etc.) I don't think she ever went....I was considering asking her if she would like to go to my Monday meeting with me, but she also has a friend here, along with throwing a negative critisism at me saying "your acting al Al-Anony". I'm a bit guarded about taking this any further for my own well being.....I really don't need anymore stones thrown in my direction!! I truly believe this program has been a life-saver for me and that's all I'm truly concerned with. I am entitled to be happy, and for now, this is it!

I read something today in this book that I feel is amazing called "Moments of Clarity" by Christopher Kennedy Lawford, well really I read two things that made sense to me. 1. If your not carrying a burden, would you know the relief of putting it down? 2. We all get clean and sober eventually, but it's best to do it while we are alive! (I hope my husband get's clean and sober while he's alive, I am just not sure I can be there when he does....I am not sure I can or want to go through anymore!