Florida

Whenever I'm in a bad place or just need a little bit of serenity I look at these pictures. These are some of my favorite pictures that I took a couple of years ago from our balcony at our beach house. These are my feet! One is at sunrise and one at sundown. This is my place of peace even if its just a vision when I'm home in Arizona.

Alot is going on in Arizona. My daughter is there and even though we are requesting for her not to have friends over and to keep things off of facebook....we have been hearing rumors that it isn't stopping. Now we have to step in and be the "mean" parents!! For now, I am going to stay in Florida....physically, in my mind, and emotionally. I will have to deal with this soon enough...For now I need to stay here.

Florida.....I spend July here and it's the only time I can actually get tired of this place. During the year we come any time the kids have more that 3 days off of school (which is really only 4xyear). The max we can stay is around a week. July is our opportunity to let go and enjoy.....then really crave to go home. I am almost getting there now (although this situation is making me want to stay too!)

July is the only time I can read books on the beach/balcony (read 3 so far). Spend quality family time with no interuptions (My husband is working from here too...so it's really nice!**) Go to the beach and veg......ride bikes, eat ice cream, and most of all...."No schedule!" No Plans!!"***

**When my husband was drinking he came for about 10 days and then we stayed here alone the rest of July. I couldn't wait for him to leave. We spent most of our times in bars. I took those pictures when I was alone...so I could remember how peaceful I felt when the chaos wasn't there. When he went home he would drink so heavy.......(Stories are sad)

Now he isn't drinking. We are walking together, going to dinners, going for ice cream...he is fishing (one of his favorite things to do of all time). He is engaged in "Us" (not just us as me and him....us also as a family....w/o my daughter of course for now....she's causing fireworks in AZ)

I am not trying to brag about above.....It seems like a dream. No way would my husband ever go anywhere with us that he couldn't get a drink/beer. Disney wasn't even an option unless we left him at the hotel or go to Epcot. (They have beer in Epcot.)

(VENTING)
***One of the things I hate about Florida is that I'm from here. My family and friends are here, so everytime we come....they pressure us to drive to "them". Or do something with them. This may seem a bit selfish....but we are on "vacation!" If you want to see us...come to "us".....we are here to be on the "beach!" If you don't want to go to the beach...say "no thank you!" don't make me feel guilty and try and change our plans.....We don't want to make plans....We want to eat when we are hungry, go where we want, do what we want when we want to....That's the whole point of vacation!!!!

(TO BETTER MYSELF)
If there is one thing that would help me to better my self emotionally would be to be able to "not feel the guilt that others put on me". No one else in my house feels it or wants to hear me complain about it(because its "my" family and "my" friends). How can I realize that the guilt is their issues....How can I not let it hurt and ruin my day and make me so extremely angry!!!

When It Rains It Pours!!

It has taken me a bit to blog...so much has happened!!

First let me say that the moment passed of the alcoholics thoughts.....he still has not drank....

While we were away in Vegas my 19 year old daughter decided to have a party. She invited some friends that I have not heard the names before. I now understand that it was a 3 day party!! I also understand that the party was placed on facebook with a location. PERFECT!!

When we came home there was some damage. There was a fist hole in my son's door. The sliding glass doors were off the tracks. We have ruined tiles on the floor. Walls splattered with who knows what. Our door handle to our door completely broken, etc. etc.

My husband and I were upset about the party.....but she's never done something like this...I won't tell her this but I thought she was due!! I can't say how many parties I had when my parents went out of town. This isn't the worse part.....

Every July, I come back to Florida and stay on the beach....It's my serenity!! Tuesday at 3:00 p.m. we left. Wednesday morning we got a call.....we had been robbed. The sliding glass door was jarred open as well as the side garage door. They had taken all the tv's (7), all the computer monitors, and everything else of value.......

I wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago........I am going to post as is and continue with new blogs...I don't really want to live this again to add to it!!

See it in Front of Me - Lurking.....

I see the disease pushing it's way into the front of our lives again.....I see it lurking, dark and building strength like a water spout over the ocean...

He isn't reading, he isn't going to meetings, he isn't talking to me.......I am afraid

It's was going so well.....It is always that part that traps me. No one I know ever has the faith that he will stay sober. I always set myself up to fail. I need to be strong. I am better than this disease. This disease is NOT HIM! But I am married to both of them.......

He has not had a drink yet.....but I see it......I feel it......I hear it

Reading Past Blogs!!

Boy did I have a deep day yesterday!!

You can truly see your mindset/moodiness/surroundings/craziness/humbleness (if that's a word), repeativeness, etc.......when you read your past blogs!!!

My main goal for blogging as I say on my title is to record my progress and drawbacks....so it can help me "see" .....It is serving this purpose! Sometimes when I read them I do feel like "Sybil"!

I notice that I blog about things I read alot. I also make physical notes about them in my recovery books, and written journals, etc. They give me inspiration. They give me strong feelings that I don't want to just pass by. I write them because I do want to remember what they meant to me at the time and who knows...maybe they can help others too....
(Being the philosopher that I am!!! Really..... Codependent (with a capital "C", always wanting to help others!)

When I comment on blogs I relate to others what parts of what they said makes me feel included. Makes me warrant my feelings......It also feels like this when people comment on my blogs.....Thank you!

I do want to say how in awe I am on a daily basis reading peoples blogs and what a way they have with words and perception. My preconceived notion of alcoholic families was always what they were shown in movies.....bums...(except me of course!!) When I hear others in meetings and I read your words...I am envious!!! You are all brilliant!!

I know like the rest of you that have dealt with alcoholism for a very long time....we are also Patient, Loving, Kind, Creative.......and all the other words that mean GREAT!!

Praying and God.....

This morning I was reading the reading for today in ODAT...It was talking about Step Eleven: "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, ........." "If we are living by the Al-Anon counsel First Things First, prayer and meditation come before all else, since it is in this way that we receive guidance for our decisions." ........

As I was reading this my mind was saying "If I only had time!"
Well Al-Anon seems to tell me exactly what I need to hear because the Today's Reminder directly below said:

"Am I too busy to pray? Have I no time for meditation? Then let me ask myself whether I have been able to solve my problems without help. As I face them day by day. I want to acknowledge my need for His guidance. I will not let this day pass - nor any day from now on - without making myself consiously aware of God."

Well here goes.....I am setting myself a "Thursday's Resolution" and from "consciously" now on ...to set aside 10 min to "Pray" and "Listen"! Two of my most difficult things to do! How can I have direction if I don't take time to be grateful and to say it.....and to listen for a response or to just take a breathe!

I have always had a problem with "God"....A problem with "believing"...I hear others feel the same way when they share in meetings. I know someone is responsible for beauty when I look at our beautiful mountains and sunsets.....and when I go home to Florida, the beaches..... I think I am more spiritual than religious...

I read something in a recovery email recently that helped my perspective:

Not only then has each man his individual relation to God, but each man has his peculiar relation to God.
-- George MacDonald

Each of us sees and experiences God in a way somehow unique to us. No two people see things exactly alike. That's why our program has no dogma. Each of us is encouraged to follow a spiritual path that seems to have been created for us. And we need not worry if we're on the right one, because every path leads to God. Would God let us lose our way? Of course not. We will know if a course correction is needed, and God will lead us to it.

Each of us understands God in a way no one else does. There's a place in God's love for each of us. And out of that place we can bring light to other people, just as our own special people have brought their light to us.

I will cultivate my unique vision of God so that I may bring light to someone else.


This made me feel more accepting of whatever path I want or need to choose.....

Vegas!

Every year we put our son in camp (and daughter too when she was younger) then we would go somewhere for a few days.

I use to tell people we would go so we could talk and remember why we love each other! That was the illusion that I told......The truth was.....We would have fun talking and laughing until about noon...until the first beer was cracked or the first drink was ordered. Then most likely I would try to join him...and last about an hour, feel sick, then need to go to bed....sometimes he would come back to the room with me, but most of the time I was either to bored or to drunk that I would leave him at the bar.

The next day usually went with me giving him guilt trips about his behavior and the amount that he drank.....he would apologize and then not start again until about 3....then the roller coaster continued day after day. I always had an aprehension about traveling with him. We went to beautiful places, but trying to control his drinking (which of course didn't work) always put the focus on the alcohol rather than the surroundings.

This year on my birthday in April when I put my memory card into my computer to transfer our pictures from Hawaii....I realized that all the pictures that I took were either of just landscape or of me taking pictures of myself with the landscape in the background. He wasn't around for any of these. This made me really sad. This is what made me start saying "no" to traveling with him.

Last week my husband and I drove my son to camp. He asked me if I wanted to go to Vegas. We could drive. (We never drove anywhere because he was always drinking...he already had a dui and paid the consequences!) I asked him if he was sure, if he was ok with being in Vegas of all places trying to stay sober!! He said he was.......I told him that I was concerned that he was trying to hard to be normal. That he was placing to many pressure on himself. I didn't expect him to be everything....I just wanted him to be honest and sober.

Well of all places to be sober.....Vegas!! We had the best time!! The Best Time!! We went to shows....restaurants (and remembered), night clubs, etc.......and to top it off.....
We went to an AA meeting in Vegas and he got his 30-day chip!!
I want to scream this from the mountain tops!!

(I need to cut this here....I haven't blogged in forever......and this will run forever!! Just needed to get this part out!!)

Trust or Faith......

Is "trust" the same thing as "faith"?
I think "trusting" sometimes sets us up to fail. Trust has a difficult time living up to expectations. Trust is something that is broken in an alcoholic home frequently.
"Faith" may be a better way for me look at things, a better way to turn things over to a Higher Power. Faith is a type of "neutral". If I'm let down, I'm not destroyed, I just need to realize that it isn't my time to have this problem fixed just yet.

In the morning before anyone is up I have a cup of coffee outside and read: Al-Anon's ODAT, Courage to Change, Hope for Today......and Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go.....Sometimes I say a prayer...This helps me start my day.

Today's reading in Hope for today gave me some inspiration for my post....

Hope for Today:
........I've found that I can surrender my control and my will endlessly, but surrender is meaningless unless I follow through with action based on "faith". When I forget about the "faith" part, I take back my worries over and over again........
..................................................................

I have trust issues with my husband when it comes to alcohol or drunken binges. In the past couple of years, lying was a staple in his life. Especially when he was traveling.
Yesterday was his 23rd day of sobriety. He left yesterday morning to go to California for work. He told me he would call me when he got there and he didn't. Usually when I don't hear from him, he's already drunk.....(that's why he fly's first class!) I didn't want to call him because my motive was to check up on him. But of course, I waited until mid afternoon, but did call him. Everything was fine. He then called me around 10ish and he was with people from work (the same people he always got drunk with) and was still sober. He commented on how he hates being with "drunk" people and it can be exhausting! Really???? - Was my comment!!

He mentioned that his friend in California tried to sneak him a vodka, and his other friend was ribbing him about his AA stuff.....I told him that I thought his friends would try to sabatoge him.....he said he expected this....

This is where I need to have "faith". I need to give this over to God. Trust has never worked for me in this situation......I have no control over his sobriety. The only control I have is over my recovery and my strength and courage to know that
"I CANNOT LIVE WITH ALCOHOL IN MY LIFE ANYMORE!!"

I love this man I married. I could be married to him my entire life. The drunk is not my husband. The drunk is vial. I'm keeping my perspective as simple as I can: Don't Drink - Have us, Drink - Lose us!!