Missing Blogging

Know it's been forever.....really difficult to get some alone time when everyone is home!!
Gonna be back soon.....promise!! Can't wait to catch up.........

He's Here!

The day is the same.....one minute he's fine the next he's yelling at me. One minute he's hugging me and the next he's cold and isolated and of course I'm trying to figure it out!! As I'm typing this I am realizing that it is much easier to see what "he" is doing rather than what "I" need to do. (Although deep down I am wondering whether he is just placing blame so he can have an excuse to go drink.......I don't think I'll ever get over this!)

One topic he said today as he was yelling was that I'm very independent. That the house revolves around me and my decisions.....etc...etc. Well....of course I'm independent!! Of course our house is "me"! If course the kids know "my rules!"

That was not my choice!! His choice was not to be here!! His choice was to be in a bar...and when he was here he was disconnected. This new life of him starting to feel things is tough! I never even considered this. I guess now I need to make room for him....

As selfish as this sounds....I have been in a 20 year marriage with a ghost...now he came back to life and I need to clear out some drawers!!

Which way do I go??

This road sign explains my route around the house today.

Even though there's sobriety in the house doesn't mean there is sanity!! It is also my fault....I have fallen away from my end of the recovery process. I have gotten away from Al-anon and my recovery readings/literature/way of life! Alcohol is just the substance....the disease is here in "all"!

My husband was crazy today and he caught me off guard. I haven't seen this side of him in while. The blame/crazy/paranoia side. I have forgotten how to walk away both physically and in my head. I reacted!! I entered into something I would have handled completely different and more calmly if I had stayed in my program.

I am very similar to an alcoholic that relapses. You forget. You think that everything is ok and you can handle it now. You can't, I can't and I never could. He likes me sick. If I'm sick, his crazy actions/words work. I can see him proud as he walks away, confident that he still has it!! He still has me right where he wants me. Today was a wake up call....

September!!

August is gone.....Thank God!! I hate August!! (Don't tell my son, his birthday is in August!) Lazy days over, getting one in school locally and loading up my other for another year in college!! Etc., Etc., Etc.

I wasn't going to post until I had time....but can't resist a small note to tell everyone I'm still alive!!

I am envious of my dull boring life before May!! Drama hasn't stopped and If God has more planned for me......keep it coming!!! I'm ready!!!

Of those that have/haven't followed my blog:

May - I left my husband because of 20+ years of alcohol abuse, got back together because he decided to give sobriety a try...(Which he is still sober, thank you god!!)

June - My husband and I escaped to Vegas to have a romantic weekend and daughter decided to have a 3-day party.....ugh! Still fixing house damage

July - In the beginning -We left for Florida and got robbed!!
In the end - my daughter brought home a puppy and then left for college.....And I'm allergic to animals!!
(although I became extremely attached before giving him away 2 weeks later so I can breathe....breathing is good!)

August - My husband lost his job

September - so far.....September is good!! We are healthy, having more family dinners, and stronger than ever!! We are still a sober family!! I have alot to be grateful for.....and we have "new" TV's!!

Glad to be home......and pray for a bit of peace...please! Will follow-up soon...

Florida

Whenever I'm in a bad place or just need a little bit of serenity I look at these pictures. These are some of my favorite pictures that I took a couple of years ago from our balcony at our beach house. These are my feet! One is at sunrise and one at sundown. This is my place of peace even if its just a vision when I'm home in Arizona.

Alot is going on in Arizona. My daughter is there and even though we are requesting for her not to have friends over and to keep things off of facebook....we have been hearing rumors that it isn't stopping. Now we have to step in and be the "mean" parents!! For now, I am going to stay in Florida....physically, in my mind, and emotionally. I will have to deal with this soon enough...For now I need to stay here.

Florida.....I spend July here and it's the only time I can actually get tired of this place. During the year we come any time the kids have more that 3 days off of school (which is really only 4xyear). The max we can stay is around a week. July is our opportunity to let go and enjoy.....then really crave to go home. I am almost getting there now (although this situation is making me want to stay too!)

July is the only time I can read books on the beach/balcony (read 3 so far). Spend quality family time with no interuptions (My husband is working from here too...so it's really nice!**) Go to the beach and veg......ride bikes, eat ice cream, and most of all...."No schedule!" No Plans!!"***

**When my husband was drinking he came for about 10 days and then we stayed here alone the rest of July. I couldn't wait for him to leave. We spent most of our times in bars. I took those pictures when I was alone...so I could remember how peaceful I felt when the chaos wasn't there. When he went home he would drink so heavy.......(Stories are sad)

Now he isn't drinking. We are walking together, going to dinners, going for ice cream...he is fishing (one of his favorite things to do of all time). He is engaged in "Us" (not just us as me and him....us also as a family....w/o my daughter of course for now....she's causing fireworks in AZ)

I am not trying to brag about above.....It seems like a dream. No way would my husband ever go anywhere with us that he couldn't get a drink/beer. Disney wasn't even an option unless we left him at the hotel or go to Epcot. (They have beer in Epcot.)

(VENTING)
***One of the things I hate about Florida is that I'm from here. My family and friends are here, so everytime we come....they pressure us to drive to "them". Or do something with them. This may seem a bit selfish....but we are on "vacation!" If you want to see us...come to "us".....we are here to be on the "beach!" If you don't want to go to the beach...say "no thank you!" don't make me feel guilty and try and change our plans.....We don't want to make plans....We want to eat when we are hungry, go where we want, do what we want when we want to....That's the whole point of vacation!!!!

(TO BETTER MYSELF)
If there is one thing that would help me to better my self emotionally would be to be able to "not feel the guilt that others put on me". No one else in my house feels it or wants to hear me complain about it(because its "my" family and "my" friends). How can I realize that the guilt is their issues....How can I not let it hurt and ruin my day and make me so extremely angry!!!

When It Rains It Pours!!

It has taken me a bit to blog...so much has happened!!

First let me say that the moment passed of the alcoholics thoughts.....he still has not drank....

While we were away in Vegas my 19 year old daughter decided to have a party. She invited some friends that I have not heard the names before. I now understand that it was a 3 day party!! I also understand that the party was placed on facebook with a location. PERFECT!!

When we came home there was some damage. There was a fist hole in my son's door. The sliding glass doors were off the tracks. We have ruined tiles on the floor. Walls splattered with who knows what. Our door handle to our door completely broken, etc. etc.

My husband and I were upset about the party.....but she's never done something like this...I won't tell her this but I thought she was due!! I can't say how many parties I had when my parents went out of town. This isn't the worse part.....

Every July, I come back to Florida and stay on the beach....It's my serenity!! Tuesday at 3:00 p.m. we left. Wednesday morning we got a call.....we had been robbed. The sliding glass door was jarred open as well as the side garage door. They had taken all the tv's (7), all the computer monitors, and everything else of value.......

I wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago........I am going to post as is and continue with new blogs...I don't really want to live this again to add to it!!

See it in Front of Me - Lurking.....

I see the disease pushing it's way into the front of our lives again.....I see it lurking, dark and building strength like a water spout over the ocean...

He isn't reading, he isn't going to meetings, he isn't talking to me.......I am afraid

It's was going so well.....It is always that part that traps me. No one I know ever has the faith that he will stay sober. I always set myself up to fail. I need to be strong. I am better than this disease. This disease is NOT HIM! But I am married to both of them.......

He has not had a drink yet.....but I see it......I feel it......I hear it